I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t want to let myself accept it.
I had already been married and divorced once before and couldn’t believe I had let it happy again.
I was a strong, confident, accomplished woman…I didn’t think things like this could happen to me!
The man I married had swept me off my feet in the early days of courting, with flowers, special weekends away, offering fatherly attention to my daughter, safety for me, and seemed supportive of my career, had become rather dominating and excessively controlling…to the point that many people expressed their concern for my well-being.
Later I learned his behavior fell directly into the category of a Narcissist. I knew nothing about such things back then.
Make no mistake, controlling behaviors, along with emotional and/or financial abuse in a relationship or marriage do NOT equate to love.
If you can relate and are ready to explore your options, I can help.
You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start
where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis
It was Freshman orientation at the University of San Diego and my ex-husband and I were getting our son settled into his new digs for the year. As is customary, a gathering was held to welcome the new students and their parents to the USD family.
The University President, James T. Harris III, shared his thoughts and wisdom with the new wide-eyed students as they embarked on a new chapter in life. The one piece of advice offered by this sage leader was one that I’ve carried with me ever since:
“Always be humble and kind; and remember who gets to write your story”.
Even as I write this, I well up in tears a little bit thinking about the profoundness of that short but innocuous statement, and how it had impacted me at the time…and still does.
We often believe we have no power in our lives, and yet, in truth, we hold all the power. Of course, it’s easy to forget this and we lose track of just how much of our power we give to other people, especially in an emotionally abusive relationship or divorce.
It took me quite some time to understand this important lesson and how effortlessly we can slide into the abyss of powerlessness when the outside world seems to be closing in on us.
In a divorce or in other stressful times, it can feel like our power is being taken from us, when in fact, we’re the ones handing over, and sometimes we do it with a smile and a “thank you”! (We’ll get into people pleasing at another time).
What have I learned? It doesn’t have to be that way.
As with the students, you get to write your own story too. It’s up to you to take a step, reclaim your power and step into the life you love.
You have access to support any time you are ready to reclaim your power. It’s up to you to take a step on your own behalf!
If you’re ready to write a new story and don’t know where to start, schedule a complimentary consultation with me today; and together we will explore what level of support you might need to move forward and create your new and empowered life.
The more sand has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it. ~Niccolo Machiavelli
When I was a little girl, my mom used a tiny “hourglass” with a 5 minute duration to measure the cook-time of soft boiled eggs. Of course, the silence of the last grain of sand slipping through the waist of the glass often led to overcooked eggs and soon, the tiny egg- timer was relegated to the back of the utensil drawer.
I have always been fascinated by hourglasses—the symbolism of the feminine shape along with the constant and silent passage of time. It all seemed so mysterious!
As the glass is turned, it’s like the beginning of an awesome vacation with all those endless days of blissfulness ahead. Then, you wake up one morning and realize you’ve only got a few hours before going back home…and there’s still so much left to do and see!
Where did all the time go?
Once the sand runs out, and it eventually does for all of us, it’s gone. Vanished! Finale! Kaput!
“But wait, I was planning to have some fun, to live my life, to travel, to experience real love, to start my dream business, to __________________________, once I ______________________________ (fill in the blanks).
Whenever I see an hourglass, I think of that little egg timer exiled from the kitchen counter and am reminded of how it was so easily rendered useless and forgotten.
It’s exactly how I thought my life would be when I was faced with the decision to leave or to stay in a marriage, I knew in my heart wasn’t right for me.
Exiled, useless, and forgotten.
Who would I be if I wasn’t married, living in suburbia, driving a Lexus, and running the school auction? What would people say about me?
Probably that I looked a lot happier!
As the sands of my life moved through the glass, it became clearer to me what was truly important and what I’ve learned is that I am not my “status” in the social circles of life and my worth has nothing to do with the people I spend time with, the things I own or the clothes I wear.
Life is meant to live and to be lived well.
If you’re unhappy and living in limbo, waiting for your partner or circumstances to change, NOW is the time to make the decision to live your life!
It all starts with giving yourself permission to take the next step to see what is possible for you.
This was a question one of my mentors asked in the early days of my quest to change my life and it stumped me. I wasn’t sure how to speak my truth about what I really wanted in life because, as much as I wanted to believe I deserved more in this life, I still harbored some serious doubt about the effectiveness of all this self-improvement stuff. I thought “sure, it’s fine for all those other people, but maybe not me.” This, by the way, was code for “fear of failure”.
But seriously, ask yourself, “how good am I willing to let my life get?”
I’m here to tell you, this question pretty much changed my life. And while it’s taken several years, and of course, doubt comes knocking on occasion, I am witness to my own transformation and the pure joy that comes from believing in myself as the creator of my life. As hard as it is to believe this, it’s true.
I’ve been in Florence, Italy since last week and have been loving every moment of it! Amazing food, wine, shopping, artwork, scenic and historic surroundings everywhere I look! This used to be “the dream!”
I’ve spent quality time with my personal coach and my Mastermind group, comprised of incredibly talented, generous, and loyal women who are all on their own journeys. Each one of us has been challenged in life and each of us has also asked the question “how good am I willing to let life get?” The answers get better as each year passes. And while my dream may not be your dream, you do have one (or a 100) and your dream can come true if only you would allow it.
No matter what obstacle or sinkhole life may be dishing out, you have the ability to change your life.
Healthy boundaries? Not today, thank you. I’ll surely tip over the apple cart and possibly hurt someone’s feelings if I set and uphold a boundary. Oh dear!
If you’re anything like me, you might have the tendency to say “yes” when you really want to say “no”, or prioritize other people’s needs or wishes over your own or feel like you “should” be doing more in all areas of your life. Are you ever enough?
I certainly slogged around in that mud fest for decades and spent years whirling around in a vortex of complete chaos while trying to live up to ridiculous standards and expectations based on my own old limiting beliefs and old worn-out conditioning. The word “boundary” was not even part of my vocabulary in my former life.
Apparently, I was among the millions of people suffering from what renown psychotherapist, author and global expert in female empowerment, Terri Cole, calls a lack of healthy boundaries.
And I know I’m not alone. Every client, in fact, pretty much most people are still operating in at least some area of their life, clinging to old thought patterns which in turn prevent them from living up to who they truly are meant to be and robbing themselves of joy, a sense of freedom, and a happy life.
We tiptoe around difficult relationships to avoid discomfort, meaning we don’t want the other person to feel discomfort. That way we don’t have to feel like the villain, but we think it’s ok to be walked over like a doormat. We manipulate situations by withholding information or peppering communication with little untruths to soften the perceived “blow” because we fear the truth would start an unwinnable war. And we avoid uncomfortable conversations and pretend everything is just FINE (and you know I’ve talked about that one in a past story). Somehow, we’ve come to believe that being a “peacemaker” is some badge of honor rather than what it is: a confining cage of shame.
Why do we do this? Most of us learned early on, around the ages of 3 – 6, how the dynamics of our household worked. “If I’m a good little girl, people won’t yell at me.” “If I become a people pleaser, I get more of what I think I want.” “If I protect myself, I won’t get hurt.” Most likely your personal space was invaded by the thinking and actions of others and generally, we learned very little about what it meant to set healthy personal internal and external boundaries. Think about it, how can you ever know what no one ever taught you?
The fact is, that most of us still operate as that small child even into our adult lives. Crazy, I know.
What I’ve learned is that it is impossible to live a deeply satisfying life without establishing, communicating, and maintaining healthy and flexible boundaries. I don’t know about you, but I choose joy over this way of being and now know it’s completely possible to change.
Personally, I needed help with the process, and it all began by gaining clarity and understanding about where the old beliefs, unspoken agreements, and people-pleasing tendencies originated. I called it cleaning out the attic by unpacking all that stuff that’s been crammed up there along with the dust, cobwebs, and scary unknowns of our minds. Truthfully, I’m still sorting through some of it (it’s a big attic!).
Michèle Heffron is a certified life, relationship & divorce coach whose mission is to empower women through life transitions to discover their purpose and create the life they desire. Her work stems from her life experiences and the lessons learned while paving her own path to empowerment. Michèle lives in Bellevue, Washington and serves clients in all 50 states.
Sadly, I said goodbye to my sweet Izzy last week after a relatively rapid decline in her health. She was a beautiful 15 ½ year-old golden doodle with a penchant for bouncing and spinning (I think she may have been part Tigger). Her sweet face, complete with big brown eyes and lashes that rivaled little Cindy Lou Who’s, brought a smile to the face of nearly everyone she met.
Izzy bounded into our lives on a snowy Christmas morning in 2008, a gift from Santa to my 10 year-old son. It was either a puppy or a cell phone and somehow a puppy seemed like the better decision at the time (of course, just a few months later a cell phone arrived).
Everyone loved Izzy, except my other dog, Rosie, a rescue whose territorial alpha female personality, made bringing this bouncy little fluff ball into our family more challenging than I’d anticipated.
Rosie was furious at us, especially me, for daring to allow another dog into her space and would do almost anything to ensure she kept between me and the puppy. In her own special way, with the hair raised on the back of her neck and what we used to refer to as “Rosie’s smile”, she would snarl and growl at our sweet new addition. Izzy was completely oblivious to Rosie’s ill-mannered behavior constantly making attempts to play with her. Not having any of this, and just to prove her dominance, Rosie would snap and give the puppy a good whack across the nose, making it quite clear she was in charge and if there was any playing to be done, she would be the one to initiate.
In 2010, our family took on a new dynamic when my husband and I divorced. New house, new routine, new life, everything new. My daughter had pretty much left home and eventually my son went off to college leaving Izzy and me rambling around the house together trying to navigate our new life. She had truly become my constant companion by then and accompanied me pretty much everywhere I went.
Izzy developed the art of adaptability, happily spending time with friends and family when I traveled and became quite fond of her many surrogate parents. Auntie Delani gave so much love, attention, and extra treats that often when I’d come to pick her up, Izzy refused to get in the car with me. Izzy was a frequent visitor at the home of my cousin Tina, and when I moved into my mom’s assisted living apartment to care for her during her last few weeks, Izzy was right there with me making friends with the staff and other residents.
Izzy was not fond of water. When other dogs were joyfully splashing around her, she would look interested in the frivolity for a moment then turn to see who on the beach might have food to share. My friend Sheila, another surrogate mom, was the only person to get Izzy to swim after having her dog, Ramzey, lead the way. Even then, it only happened once. Izzy had no interest in retrieving anything and balls were only something to steal from other dogs at the park. Apparently, the poodle personality overrode the retriever genes.
Izzy’s unconditional love taught me a lot about myself, and over the years I became a much more patient and kinder person. Pets have a way of doing that when we allow them to be who they are, and we allow ourselves to become more aware of who we are. I will miss her.
Michèle Heffron is a certified life, relationship & divorce coach whose mission is to empower women through life transitions to discover their purpose and create the life they desire. Her work stems from her life experiences and the lessons learned while paving her own path to empowerment. Michèle lives in Bellevue, Washington and serves clients in all 50 states.
