Today is November 1st marking the official start of the 2023 holiday season. Thanksgiving is just three short weeks away and then the real rush sets in.
The holiday season can be stressful for anyone, but if you’re going through a divorce and especially if this is your first year alone, it can feel heartbreaking. I totally get it. I’ll never forget the emptiness I felt so many years ago sitting alone on Christmas Eve without my kids. It hurt. And while I had family and friends who reached out to comfort me, I still felt alone and afraid of never finding love again.
We often look back at the holidays through a sentimental lens, but often the holiday memories are filled with conflict and tension – so much to do with the shopping, the over-spending, the preparing, the wrapping, trying to please and to accommodate, as well as the inevitable disagreements and squabbles.
The truth is there’s a reason why divorce rates tend to spike in January and February. The holiday season often magnifies the differences that drove us apart in the first place. Spending extended time together can accentuate tensions and anxieties, often overshadowing the joy of the season.
But here’s the silver lining: surviving the holidays during or after divorce is possible, and it can be more than just surviving; it can be thriving. You have the power to embrace a positive outlook, change your mindset, and develop effective coping strategies.
Here are ten tips for making the most of the holiday season during and after divorce:
1. Adjust Your Expectations
The first year can be especially hard, but remember, change is part of life, and with divorce comes change, including changes in how you experience the holidays. While the season may feel different, remember that “different” doesn’t have to mean “horrible.” Embrace your creative side and celebrate the holidays in a way that feels right for you. Once I came to terms with the fact that things had changed, I began to see this opportunity as a blank canvas and started to dream about the brilliant newness that came with it.
2. View the Holidays Through Fresh Eyes
Remember, there’s a reason for your divorce. The holidays may have revealed conflicts and irreconcilable differences, and sometimes, substances like alcohol exacerbated tensions and moods during this time. Recognize that the holidays were stressful for various reasons, including extended family dynamics, traveling to visit in-laws, reoccurring disappointments, disagreements, and arguments about one another’s holiday traditions. A fresh perspective can help you find peace and understanding.
3. Plan Ahead
Don’t leave your holiday plans to the last minute. Create an action plan that gives you something to look forward to. This is also where surrounding yourself with awesome people helps tremendously. If you don’t know any awesome people, become one yourself and attract awesome people into your life—easier said than done, I know, but this is so important if you’re going to embrace your new life. It’s also important to plan ahead if you are co-parenting and the kids will be splitting time between households—this can be one of the hardest experiences, especially in the beginning. Give yourself and others grace even when you don’t feel like it’s deserved.
4. Don’t dwell on the Past.
It’s easy to get lost in nostalgia, reminiscing about the holiday memories and songs from years gone by. While it’s essential to acknowledge your losses, be mindful not to wallow in self-pity. Self-compassion is crucial, but self-pity can rob you of your happiness. Avoid watching sentimental movies and reading books that spur memories of happier times, sending you into a tailspin of sorrow and regret. Remember, it’s other peoples’ holiday season too, no need to bring everyone down.
5. Prioritize Your Children’s Well-being
If you have kids and your relationship with your ex is strained, commit to maintaining a cordial atmosphere for your children’s sake. Agree to a ceasefire and stick to your co-parenting schedule to avoid disputes about holiday custody. Remember that your children will feel the effects of any anger or resentment you hold, so strive to create a harmonious holiday environment for their benefit. If your circumstances result in late drop-offs/pick-ups, etc. communicate with your ex in advance so there are no surprises…and be kind in your communication! It’s the kids’ holiday too so don’t make it about you!
6. Create New Traditions
Sentiment and tradition are holiday staples, but you may not be able to follow your pre-divorce rituals. Embrace this as an opportunity to create new traditions. There are no rules dictating how you must celebrate, so feel free to explore new activities or experiences with or without your kids. This can also feel very liberating if your pre-divorce holiday traditions required hours in the kitchen or tedious decorating follies that added more stress to the season. Let go of the need for perfection. Creating new holiday traditions turned out to be one of the most memorable parts of the holidays for me and my kids. Over 13 years later, we still incorporate many of them into our holiday traditions.
7. Cultivate Gratitude
I often get an eyeroll at this one but it’s true, when you express gratitude and appreciation (with no strings attached), you begin to experience more positivity and receive unexpected gifts from seemingly out of nowhere. Having gratitude for what you still have and for what you will have can lift your spirits and help you make the most of each day. Remember, “this too shall pass”, and you never know, this experience you’re in today may turn out to be a pivotal time in your life seeding a better future for you. Be grateful.
8. Seek Connection
It may not seem like it but you’re not alone in your journey through divorce; many others are going through similar experiences. Divorce is common and doesn’t mean you’ve failed or that something is wrong with you. There are many others out there who could use connection as well. Whether in your local community, support groups, or even social media for virtual connections, seek out others who would simply like to connect, go to a movie, meet for pizza, or just share stories over a Zoom call. Important note: I am NOT referring to dating sites for connection…that’s for another story!
9. Extend a Helping Hand
This goes hand in hand with seeking connection. Volunteering can be a powerful way to give and uplift your own spirits. Whether you’re organizing a food drive, helping at a local shelter, or delivering groceries or dinner to a homebound neighborhood, connecting with others through service lets you focus on something besides your situation. If you have kids at home, invite them to participate, allowing them to receive the powerful gift of giving as well. Some kids love this, and some don’t, but most will remember this as something “they got to do” during the holiday season and it will stick with them forever.
10. Practice self-care
Giving, giving, giving—there is no shortage of the people we give to, especially during the holidays. This is also a time when you need to put yourself at the top of the list. Why? You’ve been through a lot and unless you want to manifest an ulcer or some other malady, you’ll want to take care of yourself. This means different things to different people, so think about what self-care means to you and start today. I suggest trying to keep your diet as healthy as possible (of course, allow for a few holiday indulgences—champagne and chocolate come to mind for me), exercise regularly to relieve stress and anxiety, get outside even if it’s cold out there—fresh air can work wonders on stress levels—and rest as much as possible.
Meditation, prayer, and journaling are also good ways to alleviate stress and make yourself feel better. A massage or my personal favorite, a spa treatment can be a wonderful gift to give yourself. If you’re wondering “how can I possibly fit any self-care into my very busy schedule,” consider making self-care a priority. Other peoples’ needs can wait. Remember you can only give what you have and if you’re feeling run down, depleted, and empty, that’s all you can give to others. Take care of yourself!
When I found myself sinking into holiday sadness, I would read this quote by Winnie-the-Pooh “You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” And tell myself “I’ve got this!”
You’ve got this too! Acknowledge your loss and your newfound freedom, practice gratitude, and look toward the future, and you’ll make it through the holiday season ready to put it all behind you to ring in the new year!
Enjoy the season!
Love and Light,
Michèle Heffron is a seasoned Certified Life, Relationship, and Divorce Coach, specializing in clients aged 50 and above. With decades of leadership experience in corporate and nonprofit sectors, she’s been a driving force in domestic violence prevention, youth empowerment, and healthy relationships education. Michèle earned her coaching certification from the esteemed Institute of Excellence in Coaching. Having weathered two divorces, single motherhood, and a remarkable reinvention of her life post-divorce, she’s deeply committed to helping others navigate significant life transitions with dignity, self-respect, and love.