Healthy boundaries? Not today, thank you. I’ll surely tip over the apple cart and possibly hurt someone’s feelings if I set and uphold a boundary. Oh dear!
If you’re anything like me, you might have the tendency to say “yes” when you really want to say “no”, or prioritize other people’s needs or wishes over your own or feel like you “should” be doing more in all areas of your life. Are you ever enough?
I certainly slogged around in that mud fest for decades and spent years whirling around in a vortex of complete chaos while trying to live up to ridiculous standards and expectations based on my own old limiting beliefs and old worn-out conditioning. The word “boundary” was not even part of my vocabulary in my former life.
Apparently, I was among the millions of people suffering from what renown psychotherapist, author and global expert in female empowerment, Terri Cole, calls a lack of healthy boundaries.
And I know I’m not alone. Every client, in fact, pretty much most people are still operating in at least some area of their life, clinging to old thought patterns which in turn prevent them from living up to who they truly are meant to be and robbing themselves of joy, a sense of freedom, and a happy life.
We tiptoe around difficult relationships to avoid discomfort, meaning we don’t want the other person to feel discomfort. That way we don’t have to feel like the villain, but we think it’s ok to be walked over like a doormat. We manipulate situations by withholding information or peppering communication with little untruths to soften the perceived “blow” because we fear the truth would start an unwinnable war. And we avoid uncomfortable conversations and pretend everything is just FINE (and you know I’ve talked about that one in a past story). Somehow, we’ve come to believe that being a “peacemaker” is some badge of honor rather than what it is: a confining cage of shame.
Why do we do this? Most of us learned early on, around the ages of 3 – 6, how the dynamics of our household worked. “If I’m a good little girl, people won’t yell at me.” “If I become a people pleaser, I get more of what I think I want.” “If I protect myself, I won’t get hurt.” Most likely your personal space was invaded by the thinking and actions of others and generally, we learned very little about what it meant to set healthy personal internal and external boundaries. Think about it, how can you ever know what no one ever taught you?
The fact is, that most of us still operate as that small child even into our adult lives. Crazy, I know.
What I’ve learned is that it is impossible to live a deeply satisfying life without establishing, communicating, and maintaining healthy and flexible boundaries. I don’t know about you, but I choose joy over this way of being and now know it’s completely possible to change.
Personally, I needed help with the process, and it all began by gaining clarity and understanding about where the old beliefs, unspoken agreements, and people-pleasing tendencies originated. I called it cleaning out the attic by unpacking all that stuff that’s been crammed up there along with the dust, cobwebs, and scary unknowns of our minds. Truthfully, I’m still sorting through some of it (it’s a big attic!).
No matter what you’re experiencing in life, whether you’re facing divorce, navigating a major life transition, or desire to improve or create better relationships, if you could use some help cleaning your attic I’m here to help. Schedule your complimentary, private consultation today and let’s discover what’s possible for you when your boundaries are more clearly defined and maintained.
Love and Light,
Michèle
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Michèle Heffron is a certified life, relationship & divorce coach whose mission is to empower women through life transitions to discover their purpose and create the life they desire. Her work stems from her life experiences and the lessons learned while paving her own path to empowerment. Michèle lives in Bellevue, Washington and serves clients in all 50 states.
Learn more about Michèle: www.micheleheffron.com;
Schedule your free consultation with Michèle.
Listen to her podcast: Getting to the Heart on Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts.