Forgiveness. Just saying the word can stir up all kinds of feelings. For many people going through divorce, forgiveness feels like the last thing on the list—if it’s even on the list at all. After all, if your ex was a total nightmare, why on earth would you forgive them? Isn’t that letting them off the hook? It can feel like they’re getting away with something, while you’re left with all the pieces to pick up. But here’s the thing: forgiveness isn’t about them. It’s about you—and the freedom you can find by letting go of the ugly story that’s been weighing you down.
Renee came to me in the thick of her divorce, full of anger and resentment. Her ex had done some pretty awful things (we’re talking betrayal, manipulation, the works), and she was not interested in the idea of forgiveness. She felt stuck, cycling through the same old thoughts, replaying the “how could he?” moments over and over in her mind.
We talked about how holding onto that anger was affecting her—not just emotionally but physically too. She had trouble sleeping, felt anxious all the time, and was drained from carrying that bitterness everywhere she went. But whenever I brought up forgiveness, she recoiled. In her mind, forgiveness meant giving him a free pass for all the damage he’d caused.
But forgiveness isn’t about excusing someone else’s behavior or pretending the hurt didn’t happen. It’s about freeing yourself from the grip of the story. When we make someone else the source of who we are—when we say, “He ruined me” or “She made me feel worthless”—we lose our own power. We hand over control of our emotions, our self-worth, and our happiness to someone else. And in Renee’s case, her ex wasn’t just a part of her past; he had become the main character in her story, even though the marriage was over.
I asked Renee “What if forgiveness wasn’t about him at all? What if it was about you finding peace and freedom, so you could let go of the role of the victim and reclaim your power?”
Joan began to realize that she wasn’t letting him off the hook—she was letting herself off the hook. She was letting go of the ugliness of the story, the constant feeling of victimhood, and the weight of blame she’d been carrying. It wasn’t an overnight process. But over time, Renee began to see forgiveness as an act of self-care, a way to put herself and her future first.
My Story of Forgiveness
I’ll admit it—this lesson didn’t come easy for me either. I’ve been through two divorces, and there were times when forgiveness felt like a foreign language. I was so caught up in being the “good wife,” always putting everyone else’s needs ahead of mine, that I lost myself. I became a classic people pleaser—doing everything I could to avoid conflict, keep the peace, and make sure everyone else was happy. Sound familiar?
I blamed my exes for a long time. I fell into the trap of thinking; they did this to me. I had a whole script of “if only’s—if only they had been more supportive, if only they had listened to me, if only they had been different, I would have been fine. But the truth? I wasn’t fine because I had lost sight of who I was. I had put everyone else’s needs ahead of my own for so long that I had no idea what my needs even were anymore. Sound familiar?
By working with my coach, I learned I had to forgive myself. That was the real kicker. I had to let go of the guilt I carried for allowing myself to fall into trying to fit into someone else’s box, for being a people pleaser, for not standing up for myself sooner. I had to forgive myself for contributing to the situation, for not knowing better at the time, and for the choices I had made along the way.
I realized that I wasn’t a victim of my circumstances—I was a participant. It was a tough pill to swallow, but it was also one of the most liberating things I’ve ever done. I had to stop blaming my exes for my unhappiness and start taking responsibility for my own healing. And when I did that, when I let go of the old patterns and allowed myself to forgive (both them and myself), I found something I hadn’t felt in a long time—freedom.
Forgiveness is Freedom
While it doesn’t change the past, when we let go of resentment, we create space for something better—something kinder, more loving, more aligned with who we truly are and what we’re meant for. And that’s where the magic happens. You don’t have to carry that heavy baggage of anger, hurt, or disappointment into the next chapter of your life.
If you’re holding on to anger, bitterness, or hurt—whether it’s toward your ex or even yourself—ask yourself this: What would it feel like to let go? What would it feel like to release the story and step into a new version of yourself, one that’s no longer defined by what went wrong, but by what’s possible moving forward?
Love and Light,
Michele
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