It’s like a pit in your stomach that starts to rear its ugly little head around noon on Sunday after a relaxed weekend of bliss.
By 3pm you’re in a full-blown frenzy of anxiety while trying to ignore the undeniable reality that your alarm clock will rattle you out of a restless slumber in what feels like a few short hours just so you can start another dreadful week at a job that, if you’re being honest, brings you no fulfillment. Even if you like the people you work with.
To dull the painful effects of the Sunday Scaries, many of us drink wine, have a couple cocktails, or self-medicate with some other form or behavior.
Sunday Scaries can trigger fear-based actions that include displays of anger, short-temperedness, rigidity, or silent retreat. Seemingly minor incidents can trigger the most confusing behaviors, making life unpleasant for us and for our loved ones.
I can relate. The Sunday Scaries were very real for me, and sometimes started as early as Saturday morning! Attempts at refusing to acknowledge them manifested into health issues, depression, and hiding.
Easy? No. Worth it? Yes! Have I got it completely figured out? Absolutely NOT!
That’s the reason I continue to work with a coach today. It’s also the reason I became a coach myself experiencing how effective a trained professional can help discover just how amazing life can be—without the Sunday Scaries looming at the end of your weekend.
You have this power too! No matter what age or time in life you’re in. You hold ALL the power! You just need to remember how to use it.
Sure, we all have responsibilities, bills to pay, an image or identity to uphold, but at the end of the day, if we’re so amped out that we don’t find joy in our life (including in our work), then what’s it all about? It’s never too late to make a change.
Have you ever felt like your life is completely upside down? Like everything you once knew in your world—career, relationships, health, or life in general—has been swept away and you’re facing a big empty space—a void?
Remember when life held so much promise and hope, and now you’re grappling with what to do next? You are not alone.
I’ve certainly been there a few times throughout my life, especially after my last divorce. I remember thinking, “what the @#$& am I going to do?” then, “I know, I’ll just pretendI’m FINEand fill in all the time and space up with other stuff, so I don’t have to think about like all the fear, pain, and guilt I was really feeling”.
So, I filled it in with stuff like busy work, obsessing over how I would survive financially, future-tripping, overthinking what I was doing with my life, self-abandoning to allow for the needs of others, spending money on activities or things I didn’t enjoy and couldn’t afford, and finding any reason to spend time doing somethingrather than becoming someone I liked and wanted to be around.
When life changes dramatically, especially during a major transition like divorce, it’s easy to think, “I’ve got it all under control” even when everything around us is falling apart. To avoid the pain of feeling empty, we simply choose not to see what’s really going on all around us. Our life can literally be crumbling and all we want to do is either stay in bed all day or jump up and move on to the next thing, so we don’t have to deal with all the pain we’re feeling inside.
We often go off on tangents like starting a new business, joining multiple social groups to keep us busy, start dating before we’re ready to engage in a new relationship, read a ton of self-improvement books and then neglect to apply the tools provided (and then wonder why nothing has changed), we obsess over our age and wonder how we’ll never find love again, and we lament over our bad luck to anyone who will listen. This is not helpful nor is it effective. And through it all, we forget who we are. We forget to forgive ourselves and forget we are worthy of a better life, and that we matter…as if that were something we had ever learned to do earlier in life.
Finding ways to distract yourself is different than finding meaningful activities and spending time with people who authentically bring joy into your life. Getting yourself prepared from within to gracefully move in the direction of a new relationship, financial stability, or an encore career creates a foundation for lasting change. And CHANGE is essential unless you are committed to making the same choices and mistakes over and over again.
Most of us are not programmed to invite change into our lives without some help—we don’t quiet our minds enough to even know when a change is needed. Having learned the hard way, I finally discovered that by investing time and money into myself, I could achieve goals I never thought possible…and a lot faster than if I had tried it on my own. Simply having someone in your corner, being open to seeing things from a different perspective, taking personal responsibility for your life, and being open to growth, your void will fade away making space for the life of your dreams.
Growing up in the 60s and 70s in the heat of the Viet Nam war, peace rallies and anti-war protests, and the so-called liberation of women was an invitation to an impressionable young girl to stand up and do something.
To honor the prisoners of war, I saved up my allowance to buy my very own POW bracelet, refusing to take it off even though the inexpensive copper turned my wrist green. I never really understood all that was happening in the world at that tender age, I just wanted to make it a better place for everyone, and the bracelet symbolized my small, but well-intended contribution to the dream.
Back then I loved the Coca-Cola commercial that later became a major hit on the charts by the Hillside Singers (several bands recorded this tune):
“…I’d like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony…and hear them echo through the hills for peace throughout the land…”.
I still believe in the message and the possibility of peace.
Idealist? Perhaps. It seems like a better option than a world filled with unhappy and unfulfilled people.
Looking back at the through thread of my life, I can see how I was always meant and called to make an impact in some way. But in my stubborn naivety, I never investigated what my calling was because I was too busy listening to everyone and everything around me telling me I needed to go to college, get a degree, get a job, get married, have kids, and someday, if everything worked out, retire.
No one ever told me to go out and discover my passion.
This is not to say that everyone has the same desires in life. It merely means that whatever we’re called to do in life, it should also bring us joy rather than making it an either/or prospect.
We can do what we love AND love our life in the process.
As a coach, I find so much joy in the work I get to do every day. I see the direct impact on my clients and how the experience is making a difference in their lives and the lives of those around them.
And it all started because I wanted to change the world.
Just think what the world would be like if everyone made one change, even if small, in their life today.
You never know who will be touched or the difference you make by the ripple you start. One change sparks the next and before you know it, life becomes your dream.
If you’re ready to make a change and could use some help, schedule a discovery call with me today and together we will explore what’s possible for you.
Love & Light,
Michèle
I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing (In Perfect Harmony)
I’d like to build a world a home And furnish it with love Grow apple trees and honey bees And snow white turtle doves
I’d like to teach the world to sing In perfect harmony I’d like to hold it in my arms And keep it company
I’d like to see the world for once All standing hand in hand And hear them echo through the hills For peace throughout the land
That’s a song I hear Sing it along Let the world sing today Over and over
I’d like to teach the world to sing In perfect harmony La, la, la, la To, do, do, do, do, do La, la, la
I’d like to build a world a home And furnish it with love Grow apple trees and honey bees And snow white turtle doves (That’s a song I hear)
I’d like to teach the world to sing In perfect harmony And I’d like to hold it in my arms And keep it company (That’s the song I hear)
I’d like to see the world for once All standing hand in hand And hear them echo through the hills For peace throughout the land (That’s the song I hear)
I’d like to teach the world to sing In perfect harmony (Sing it all over) I’d like to teach the world to sing In perfect harmony La, la, la, la To, do, do, do, do, do La, la, la I’d like to teach the world to sing
Oh, the stories we tell ourselves about why we wait for what we truly want in our lives. It took me years—decades really—to fully embrace what this means. And when I finally decided to do something about it, people thought I was crazy and speculated my sanity. So often throughout my life, I’ve heard the message, “you should be content with what you have”. Why would any of us be content with what we have when we’ve also been told to “follow our dreams”. Why did we bother hanging all those ridiculous posters on our adolescent walls telling us the sky is the limit when that’s not really what we’re supposed to believe. It’s all very confusing. No wonder so many of us choose to stay in our little cocoons of mediocrity for entire lifetimes.
Getting back to waiting or really, not waiting. Over the course of the last 4 years, I’ve lost both my parents to some form of cancer. And yes, they were both in their early 80s when they died, but they died with unfulfilled dreams and regrets for a life of “undoneness”. Heart-breaking to say the least.
Up until about the time my dad became ill, my parents had been a fairly vibrant couple, playing golf and socializing with friends and family, while living between homes in the Pacific Northwest and the California desert—what appeared to be a pretty good life. On the downside, they bickered a lot and both could be highly critical of one another and others. In the end, both wished they had done things differently.
Two years after being diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma my dad—also lovingly known as Sir or Mic—died after a brief stay in an assisted living home. The COVID Pandemic and rules restricting family from visiting made this especially hard on him as well as the rest of my family. A year and a half later, mom (aka Doreen), succumbed to the complications of uterine sarcoma, another deadly form of cancer. It all happened so fast; I still find myself waking up ready to make that morning check-in call only to realize no one will answer.
I spent a considerable amount of time with Doreen in the end, especially in her final weeks. It was the first time I ever recalled her sharing her sadness and remorse from not going after many of her dreams. For example, she was still regretful for having started and not finishing nursing school. Instead, she dropped out to marry my dad at the young age of 20, supported him through college, and ended up working in the front office of various doctors for the next 25 years—never as a nurse. She also held much guilt for her rigidness and constant need for the appearance of perfection. Whether it be clothing, the house, or yard, everything always had to look perfect. It was painful for us all, and as it turns out, it was especially painful for her. I now see that this was just her way of covering up her pain for an unfulfilled life. How sad.
Towards the end, my mom shared how proud she was of me and the way I chose not to listen to all the critics, including her (which didn’t always go over very well). She finally understood who I am and always have been but for the illusion of the nonsense I allowed myself to live under for so many years. She understood why I could no longer wait to follow my dreams and get out of the race leading nowhere.
My message for you, if I can do this, so can you! I believe we all have this ability and are all capable of creating our own dream life. In my work, I see women just on the verge of going for their big dream only to put themselves, once again, on the back burner, waiting until the “time is right”. As long as you keep telling yourself it’s not the right time or there’s not enough money, there won’t be. It’s time to change your story and put an end to the waiting.
Think back to the day you and your partner made the commitment to marry one another with the expectation of living happily ever after. You and your partner were stunningly happy as you spoke your vows, surrounded by family and friends, blissfully in love.
Never in your wildest dreams could you have predicted that one day you’d find yourself in the company of so many of us who reside in the 50 percent column of marriages that end in divorce. And, if this is your second or third time around, the statistics are even more grim.
We’ve all seen examples of the heartache that ensues in the aftermath of these fallouts. The nastiness of a marital partnership gone bad can be absolute Hell—for everyone in our life. The division of a household, the battle over custody if you have kids, the financial strain, and the isolation from friends, family, and social circles for one or both parties can be traumatic enough to cause us to say and do things we would never imagine when not under a cloud of desperate anxiety.
Speaking from experience, I am not proud to say that my divorces were less than amicable. People felt hurt, betrayed, abandoned, and completely drained by the time it was all over.
Now I know there’s a better way to ending a relationship and if I could go back and do it over, I would approach the entire process differently.
The first thing I would do now is get help from a professional mentor who understands the nuanced stages of the process—the legal navigation as well as the emotional ups and downs. I could have avoided some expensive and regrettable mistakes along the way.
Sure, I had an attorney, a therapist, and lots of well-meaning friends and family members who did their best to nurture me through the muck. Even so, none provided me with the guidance and tools I needed to evolve myself so I could have shown up and stood in my power while being respectful and empathetic with myself as well as my former spouse and kids.
There is a more gracious way to move through a big life transition of any kind, and sadly divorce is one of the biggest transitions anyone will ever go through. It’s not a perfect ending but it doesn’t need to be life-sucking, spiteful or filled with hatefulness either.
In my coaching practice, I have a special place in my heart for women who find themselves contemplating separation or divorce, are in the middle of, or post-divorce because I believe there’s way to get through this without feeling like you’ve been through a shredder.
