Before I even knew I was embarking on a journey of self-discovery and reinvention, I read a little book called The Four Agreements that made a significant impact on the trajectory of my life. I highly recommend this transformative gem to anyone who hasn’t yet been enlightened by the principles contained within its covers. I just finished reading again and, as with the first reading, came away with several nuggets of valuable insight.
I was reminded of the thousands of unwritten and unspoken agreements we have made throughout our lives—to ourselves as well to others—most of which are based on something we’ve either been taught, assumptions or fabrications we’ve made up on our own.
Where do these agreements come from?
Parents, siblings, teachers, bosses, friends and just about anyone else we listen to can plant these seeds that often grow into one of these unspoken agreements that frequently become beliefs.
And once our beliefs are set, we proceed through life as if it is our truth. The Four Agreements author, Don Meguel Ruiz, refers to this surrendering to our beliefs process as “the domestication of humans” where we learn how to live without questioning the source.
The fact is that many, if not most, of these beliefs are rather useless and can be detrimental to our growth, expansion, and the ability to consider what else might be going on here.
The Sowers of said seeds didn’t necessarily intend to contaminate our minds. Afterall, they were only doing what they, too, had learned along the journey of their own domestication.
What agreements do you have in place keeping you
from creating the life you desire?
Whether you are facing a major life transition, a divorce, or simply want more in life than what you’re experiencing, you can change.
It all starts with investigating the uninvestigated beliefs and perceptions, and asking yourself, “is what I believe TRUE for me?” “If not, How do I make that old agreement null and void and create a new agreement?“
Anyone can do this, it may not be easy,
but it is possible.
If you’re ready to change some agreements in your life and could use some help, schedule a free consultation with me todayand together we’ll explore what’s possible for you.
I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t want to let myself accept it.
I had already been married and divorced once before and couldn’t believe I had let it happy again.
I was a strong, confident, accomplished woman…I didn’t think things like this could happen to me!
The man I married had swept me off my feet in the early days of courting, with flowers, special weekends away, offering fatherly attention to my daughter, safety for me, and seemed supportive of my career, had become rather dominating and excessively controlling…to the point that many people expressed their concern for my well-being.
Later I learned his behavior fell directly into the category of a Narcissist. I knew nothing about such things back then.
Make no mistake, controlling behaviors, along with emotional and/or financial abuse in a relationship or marriage do NOT equate to love.
If you can relate and are ready to explore your options, I can help.
You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start
where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis
It was Freshman orientation at the University of San Diego and my ex-husband and I were getting our son settled into his new digs for the year. As is customary, a gathering was held to welcome the new students and their parents to the USD family.
The University President, James T. Harris III, shared his thoughts and wisdom with the new wide-eyed students as they embarked on a new chapter in life. The one piece of advice offered by this sage leader was one that I’ve carried with me ever since:
“Always be humble and kind; and remember who gets to write your story”.
Even as I write this, I well up in tears a little bit thinking about the profoundness of that short but innocuous statement, and how it had impacted me at the time…and still does.
We often believe we have no power in our lives, and yet, in truth, we hold all the power. Of course, it’s easy to forget this and we lose track of just how much of our power we give to other people, especially in an emotionally abusive relationship or divorce.
It took me quite some time to understand this important lesson and how effortlessly we can slide into the abyss of powerlessness when the outside world seems to be closing in on us.
In a divorce or in other stressful times, it can feel like our power is being taken from us, when in fact, we’re the ones handing over, and sometimes we do it with a smile and a “thank you”! (We’ll get into people pleasing at another time).
What have I learned? It doesn’t have to be that way.
As with the students, you get to write your own story too. It’s up to you to take a step, reclaim your power and step into the life you love.
You have access to support any time you are ready to reclaim your power. It’s up to you to take a step on your own behalf!
If you’re ready to write a new story and don’t know where to start, schedule a complimentary consultation with me today; and together we will explore what level of support you might need to move forward and create your new and empowered life.
Healthy boundaries? Not today, thank you. I’ll surely tip over the apple cart and possibly hurt someone’s feelings if I set and uphold a boundary. Oh dear!
If you’re anything like me, you might have the tendency to say “yes” when you really want to say “no”, or prioritize other people’s needs or wishes over your own or feel like you “should” be doing more in all areas of your life. Are you ever enough?
I certainly slogged around in that mud fest for decades and spent years whirling around in a vortex of complete chaos while trying to live up to ridiculous standards and expectations based on my own old limiting beliefs and old worn-out conditioning. The word “boundary” was not even part of my vocabulary in my former life.
Apparently, I was among the millions of people suffering from what renown psychotherapist, author and global expert in female empowerment, Terri Cole, calls a lack of healthy boundaries.
And I know I’m not alone. Every client, in fact, pretty much most people are still operating in at least some area of their life, clinging to old thought patterns which in turn prevent them from living up to who they truly are meant to be and robbing themselves of joy, a sense of freedom, and a happy life.
We tiptoe around difficult relationships to avoid discomfort, meaning we don’t want the other person to feel discomfort. That way we don’t have to feel like the villain, but we think it’s ok to be walked over like a doormat. We manipulate situations by withholding information or peppering communication with little untruths to soften the perceived “blow” because we fear the truth would start an unwinnable war. And we avoid uncomfortable conversations and pretend everything is just FINE (and you know I’ve talked about that one in a past story). Somehow, we’ve come to believe that being a “peacemaker” is some badge of honor rather than what it is: a confining cage of shame.
Why do we do this? Most of us learned early on, around the ages of 3 – 6, how the dynamics of our household worked. “If I’m a good little girl, people won’t yell at me.” “If I become a people pleaser, I get more of what I think I want.” “If I protect myself, I won’t get hurt.” Most likely your personal space was invaded by the thinking and actions of others and generally, we learned very little about what it meant to set healthy personal internal and external boundaries. Think about it, how can you ever know what no one ever taught you?
The fact is, that most of us still operate as that small child even into our adult lives. Crazy, I know.
What I’ve learned is that it is impossible to live a deeply satisfying life without establishing, communicating, and maintaining healthy and flexible boundaries. I don’t know about you, but I choose joy over this way of being and now know it’s completely possible to change.
Personally, I needed help with the process, and it all began by gaining clarity and understanding about where the old beliefs, unspoken agreements, and people-pleasing tendencies originated. I called it cleaning out the attic by unpacking all that stuff that’s been crammed up there along with the dust, cobwebs, and scary unknowns of our minds. Truthfully, I’m still sorting through some of it (it’s a big attic!).
Michèle Heffron is a certified life, relationship & divorce coach whose mission is to empower women through life transitions to discover their purpose and create the life they desire. Her work stems from her life experiences and the lessons learned while paving her own path to empowerment. Michèle lives in Bellevue, Washington and serves clients in all 50 states.
Sadly, I said goodbye to my sweet Izzy last week after a relatively rapid decline in her health. She was a beautiful 15 ½ year-old golden doodle with a penchant for bouncing and spinning (I think she may have been part Tigger). Her sweet face, complete with big brown eyes and lashes that rivaled little Cindy Lou Who’s, brought a smile to the face of nearly everyone she met.
Izzy bounded into our lives on a snowy Christmas morning in 2008, a gift from Santa to my 10 year-old son. It was either a puppy or a cell phone and somehow a puppy seemed like the better decision at the time (of course, just a few months later a cell phone arrived).
Everyone loved Izzy, except my other dog, Rosie, a rescue whose territorial alpha female personality, made bringing this bouncy little fluff ball into our family more challenging than I’d anticipated.
Rosie was furious at us, especially me, for daring to allow another dog into her space and would do almost anything to ensure she kept between me and the puppy. In her own special way, with the hair raised on the back of her neck and what we used to refer to as “Rosie’s smile”, she would snarl and growl at our sweet new addition. Izzy was completely oblivious to Rosie’s ill-mannered behavior constantly making attempts to play with her. Not having any of this, and just to prove her dominance, Rosie would snap and give the puppy a good whack across the nose, making it quite clear she was in charge and if there was any playing to be done, she would be the one to initiate.
In 2010, our family took on a new dynamic when my husband and I divorced. New house, new routine, new life, everything new. My daughter had pretty much left home and eventually my son went off to college leaving Izzy and me rambling around the house together trying to navigate our new life. She had truly become my constant companion by then and accompanied me pretty much everywhere I went.
Izzy developed the art of adaptability, happily spending time with friends and family when I traveled and became quite fond of her many surrogate parents. Auntie Delani gave so much love, attention, and extra treats that often when I’d come to pick her up, Izzy refused to get in the car with me. Izzy was a frequent visitor at the home of my cousin Tina, and when I moved into my mom’s assisted living apartment to care for her during her last few weeks, Izzy was right there with me making friends with the staff and other residents.
Izzy was not fond of water. When other dogs were joyfully splashing around her, she would look interested in the frivolity for a moment then turn to see who on the beach might have food to share. My friend Sheila, another surrogate mom, was the only person to get Izzy to swim after having her dog, Ramzey, lead the way. Even then, it only happened once. Izzy had no interest in retrieving anything and balls were only something to steal from other dogs at the park. Apparently, the poodle personality overrode the retriever genes.
Izzy’s unconditional love taught me a lot about myself, and over the years I became a much more patient and kinder person. Pets have a way of doing that when we allow them to be who they are, and we allow ourselves to become more aware of who we are. I will miss her.
Michèle Heffron is a certified life, relationship & divorce coach whose mission is to empower women through life transitions to discover their purpose and create the life they desire. Her work stems from her life experiences and the lessons learned while paving her own path to empowerment. Michèle lives in Bellevue, Washington and serves clients in all 50 states.
When I was little, my entire family called me Shelley. I was Shelley to my parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbor kids, and more. And for me, last names were only used for differentiating which set of grandparents were being referred to—i.e. Grandma Heffron or Grandma Gamache. I don’t think I made the connection that Heffron was somehow attached to my name until the first day of First Grade at St. Paul’s School in Yakima.
In a classroom filled with a bunch of kids I didn’t know, all dressed in their school uniforms, Sister Mary Margaret was taking attendance. As she made her way through to the alphabet, the name Michèle Heffron was called. It didn’t ring a bell, so I didn’t respond. Again, she called Michèle Heffron, and again, I didn’t respond. So, the know-it-all boy in front of me turned around noting the name tag taped on the desk, and pointing at me, asked “isn’t that you?” (busybody, alphabet-knowing, over-achiever!)
For the first time, at the ripe old age of 6, I learned my real name! What else didn’t I know? First grade was sure to bring on new insights! That evening during dinner, my dad asked about my first day of school, and with all the courage I could muster up, said “it would have been nice if someone had told me my name was Michèle Heffron.”
What I had learned up until then was that my name was Shelley. I had no reason to believe otherwise. It’s a silly story, but in truth, it illustrates how our own beliefs and perceptions in life are formed.
If we’ve learned or been conditioned to believe something is true, then it’s true for us…it doesn’t make it a fact,it just means it’s true for us. For example, if you’re told things like girls aren’t good at math, or boys shouldn’t cry, or children should be seen and not heard, or your race or culture is superior/inferior to others, or nothing ever good happens, or marriage is hard, or you must work 10 hours a day to make any decent money, or you’re a bully/nice girl/screw-up, etc. you begin to believe and to behave that way.
And why do we do this? So many reasons really, but mostly because that’s what we’ve learned, and we choose to believe it.
Sadly, most of our beliefs and perceptions, in fact upwards of 95% of them, become rooted in our subconscious minds and are pretty much running the show for us and we don’t even know it! Thus, when you’re trying to make some changes in your life, like losing a few pounds, eliminating unwanted or unhealthy habits, or experiencing a major life or career transition, you might get off to a good start only to find yourself falling back into your old ways just a few days or weeks (or hours) into the process. Typically, this has to do with your subconscious mind getting a hold of you saying things like “you’re too weak/stupid/lazy, etc. and will never change so you may as well give up now. Some people will try to convince you of having a lack of willpower, but really there’s a bit more to it.
To your credit, change is uncomfortable. That’s why people in the personal growth industry say things like “you have to get out of your comfort zone and become someone else in order to change”. Easier said than done!
What you often don’t hear is that you must make a non-negotiable decision about becoming who you want to be and then behave as if your goal is already fulfilled—i.e. envisioning yourself already weighing 20 pounds less for example. And this requires daily application until it becomes engrained in your subconscious mind. It also requires believing in yourself and being willing to try some new things—like meditation, serious self-reflection, and getting help from someone like a coach.
Honestly, I could go on and on about this because over the years, I’ve become obsessed with creating change in my own life and now help others who are ready to do the same in theirs. I’ve also learned through the process of evolving and expanding that it’s a process and as much as I’d like to think I’ve got it all down, I’m constantly finding opportunities for growth.
If you are ready to start becoming the person you desire to be and don’t know where to start, schedule a free consultation with me to learn more about how the support of a coach can help you get from where you are to where you want to be. Send me an email or simply schedule time here to get started on your new life.
Michèle Heffron is a certified life, relationship & divorce coach whose mission is to empower women through life transitions to discover their purpose and create the life they desire. Her work stems from her life experiences and the lessons learned while paving her own path to empowerment. Michèle lives in Bellevue, Washington and serves clients in all 50 states.
