Is it possible to find happiness after divorce? Absolutely! Happiness after divorce is not only possible, but probable if you decide to create happiness in your life.
We can prepare for many things in life, but going through a divorce is typically not something any of us anticipate and finding happiness through the process or beyond can seem so far out of reach that it’s not even on our radar.
As a coach, one of the first questions I ask people is “what do you want your life to look like on the other side of your divorce and who do you want to be?” We start with the end in mind and work backwards by building a roadmap to help you get from where you are to where you want to be. This works whether you’re at the beginning stages or contemplating a divorce, already in the process, or post-divorce.
Here are 10 things you can do to create your post-divorce happiness:
1. Ask for Help. Invest in yourself and hire a trained professional who can help you navigate the practical business side of the process while overcoming the flood of fears and emotions that tend to hinder progress. If I could have a “do-over” in life, it would have asked for help during my divorce (actually, if I’d enlisted the help of a coach during the first divorce, I might not have gone through the second one). I had an attorney and therapist, and, of course, had a plethora of well-meaning friends and family members who were on the ready to give me their advice whether solicited or not. But none of this prepared me for the emotional roller-coaster or helped me navigate the process in a way where I didn’t feel completely pummeled by the end. Having a neutral, nonjudgmental, supporter in my corner would have made a huge difference, especially as I emerged to my post-divorce life.
2. Create a Vision. What does the life you desire look like and how does it feel? Write it down. Don’t worry about how it will all happen, simply create a vision, and include things like:
• What’s my ideal relationship with my ex-partner, with my kids, social circle, etc.?
• Where do I live; how is my home furnished? What do I love about this home?
• What am I doing? Do I have a job, a career, hobbies, etc.?
• How am I taking care of myself? What do I look like?
• Am I traveling, going back to school, meeting new people?
• How am I showing up in the world?
Write things not as they are today, but rather as you’d like them to be. This is an important first step no matter where in the process you are, because if you don’t know where you are going, it’s very hard to get to a place you want to be.
3. Give Yourself Time to Heal. Whether you are the one being left, the one leaving, or it’s been mutually agreed upon by both parties, divorce is a major life transition, and it takes a lot out of us. Take time to grieve, heal, and discover (or rediscover) who you are. While it can feel comforting to get right back into another relationship, it’s rarely the answer to filling the void of loneliness. It’s true, you might be uninvited to a few social gatherings because of the “couples only” requirement, or you might feel awkward sitting in a restaurant alone with your book, but trust me, it’s much better than settling for another relationship where you haven’t fully become who you’re meant to be, and possibly getting into the same relationship with a difference face.
4. Embrace Forgiveness. This is a tough one for many of us. Letting go of animosity and anger takes time and conscious effort. However, forgiveness is a powerful tool that helps you move forward and create the life you desire. Whether it’s forgiving yourself, your ex-partner, or someone who has let you down, practicing forgiveness is a way to release the weight of the past and make room for a brighter future.
5. Shed Reminders of the Past. A liberating step toward healing involves letting go of physical reminders of your ex-partner, such as clothing, jewelry, and photos. Even consider parting ways with your wedding memorabilia. Removing these emotional triggers will expedite your healing process and empower you to start afresh, crafting your new life after divorce.
6. Find a New Song. “I miss the comfort of being sad…” the famous lyrics written and performed by Nirvana’s Kurt Cobain, illustrates this point rather well. If you’re listening to melancholy music or tunes you and your ex enjoyed, you’ll most like feel sad. It’s time to put those on hold (or eliminate them all-together) while you get through this process. Find some uplifting new music to get your head out of the past and into a brighter future.
7. Cultivate a Strong Support System. Your support system is like a warm embrace during this challenging and emotional time. Having someone to talk to when you’re feeling down can make all the difference. When selecting your support network, it’s important to choose non-judgmental people who genuinely care about you. Exercise your intuition when sharing your emotions and vulnerabilities—not everyone needs to hear your story—just the ones who can keep your confidences inside the sphere of trust. Important note: Avoid using social media platforms as a part of your support system.
8. Focus on Gratitude and Appreciation. This might seem counterintuitive at a time when life feels upside down, but when we intentionally cultivate feelings of gratitude and appreciation, we change the way we experience life—physically and emotionally. Practicing gratitude and appreciation is critical to our well-being and for achieving happiness at any given time, but especially when experiencing an event as monumental as divorce.
9. Self-Care and Self-Discovery. My mother (aka Doreen) always said “when you look good, you feel good; and when you feel good, you look good”. It’s true! Whether you are still in the process or already in your post-divorce life, create a look that represents you. Change things up a bit—get a new hairstyle, a new outfit, treat yourself to a makeover or take yourself on an adventure—a personal retreat or simply to a new coffee place. This will help others see you the way you want to be seen. It will also help you to approach this new chapter of your life with your head held high.
10. Love Yourself. This is important and often gets confused with selfishness and narcissism, especially by those who don’t understand what you’re going through. Let them go. Loving yourself is the most important thing you can do to get over your divorce. It will help you improve your mood and maintain your confidence. If you spent a lot of time in an unhappy marriage, you might not know how to show yourself love.
Here are a few ways to love yourself:
• Take alone time to do the things you enjoy
• Go on a trip by yourself
• Celebrate your accomplishments
• Create a vision board (you can include things from step 2)
• Enjoy a spa day
• Write in a journal (this is for your eyes only, so let your feelings and emotions spill out onto the page freeing yourself from the burden of guilt, shame, anger, fear, etc.)
• List all of the things you love about yourself and focus on them (if you need help coming up with something you love about yourself, ask one of the people in your support network, they will have plenty of kind and loving words to share about you)
• Learn to say no
Dealing with divorce can take the best of us to our knees, but by creating a vision, and adding self-compassion, self-care, love, and the right support, you can transition from mere survival to thriving in life. You have everything it takes to create happiness in your life, but it’s up to you to decide what it is you want. Whether you choose to nurture yourself with self-compassion, prioritize self-care, or focus on gratitude, these tools and strategies will guide you towards a brighter and happier life.
Today is November 1st marking the official start of the 2023 holiday season. Thanksgiving is just three short weeks away and then the real rush sets in.
The holiday season can be stressful for anyone, but if you’re going through a divorce and especially if this is your first year alone, it can feel heartbreaking. I totally get it. I’ll never forget the emptiness I felt so many years ago sitting alone on Christmas Eve without my kids. It hurt. And while I had family and friends who reached out to comfort me, I still felt alone and afraid of never finding love again.
We often look back at the holidays through a sentimental lens, but often the holiday memories are filled with conflict and tension – so much to do with the shopping, the over-spending, the preparing, the wrapping, trying to please and to accommodate, as well as the inevitable disagreements and squabbles.
The truth is there’s a reason why divorce rates tend to spike in January and February. The holiday season often magnifies the differences that drove us apart in the first place. Spending extended time together can accentuate tensions and anxieties, often overshadowing the joy of the season.
But here’s the silver lining: surviving the holidays during or after divorce is possible, and it can be more than just surviving; it can be thriving. You have the power to embrace a positive outlook, change your mindset, and develop effective coping strategies.
Here are ten tips for making the most of the holiday season during and after divorce:
1. Adjust Your Expectations
The first year can be especially hard, but remember, change is part of life, and with divorce comes change, including changes in how you experience the holidays. While the season may feel different, remember that “different” doesn’t have to mean “horrible.” Embrace your creative side and celebrate the holidays in a way that feels right for you. Once I came to terms with the fact that things had changed, I began to see this opportunity as a blank canvas and started to dream about the brilliant newness that came with it.
2. View the Holidays Through Fresh Eyes
Remember, there’s a reason for your divorce. The holidays may have revealed conflicts and irreconcilable differences, and sometimes, substances like alcohol exacerbated tensions and moods during this time. Recognize that the holidays were stressful for various reasons, including extended family dynamics, traveling to visit in-laws, reoccurring disappointments, disagreements, and arguments about one another’s holiday traditions. A fresh perspective can help you find peace and understanding.
3.Plan Ahead
Don’t leave your holiday plans to the last minute. Create an action plan that gives you something to look forward to. This is also where surrounding yourself with awesome people helps tremendously. If you don’t know any awesome people, become one yourself and attract awesome people into your life—easier said than done, I know, but this is so important if you’re going to embrace your new life. It’s also important to plan ahead if you are co-parenting and the kids will be splitting time between households—this can be one of the hardest experiences, especially in the beginning. Give yourself and others grace even when you don’t feel like it’s deserved.
4.Don’t dwell on the Past.
It’s easy to get lost in nostalgia, reminiscing about the holiday memories and songs from years gone by. While it’s essential to acknowledge your losses, be mindful not to wallow in self-pity. Self-compassion is crucial, but self-pity can rob you of your happiness. Avoid watching sentimental movies and reading books that spur memories of happier times, sending you into a tailspin of sorrow and regret. Remember, it’s other peoples’ holiday season too, no need to bring everyone down.
5.Prioritize Your Children’s Well-being
If you have kids and your relationship with your ex is strained, commit to maintaining a cordial atmosphere for your children’s sake. Agree to a ceasefire and stick to your co-parenting schedule to avoid disputes about holiday custody. Remember that your children will feel the effects of any anger or resentment you hold, so strive to create a harmonious holiday environment for their benefit. If your circumstances result in late drop-offs/pick-ups, etc. communicate with your ex in advance so there are no surprises…and be kind in your communication! It’s the kids’ holiday too so don’t make it about you!
6.Create New Traditions
Sentiment and tradition are holiday staples, but you may not be able to follow your pre-divorce rituals. Embrace this as an opportunity to create new traditions. There are no rules dictating how you must celebrate, so feel free to explore new activities or experiences with or without your kids. This can also feel very liberating if your pre-divorce holiday traditions required hours in the kitchen or tedious decorating follies that added more stress to the season. Let go of the need for perfection. Creating new holiday traditions turned out to be one of the most memorable parts of the holidays for me and my kids. Over 13 years later, we still incorporate many of them into our holiday traditions.
7.Cultivate Gratitude
I often get an eyeroll at this one but it’s true, when you express gratitude and appreciation (with no strings attached), you begin to experience more positivity and receive unexpected gifts from seemingly out of nowhere. Having gratitude for what you still have and for what you will have can lift your spirits and help you make the most of each day. Remember, “this too shall pass”, and you never know, this experience you’re in today may turn out to be a pivotal time in your life seeding a better future for you. Be grateful.
8.Seek Connection
It may not seem like it but you’re not alone in your journey through divorce; many others are going through similar experiences. Divorce is common and doesn’t mean you’ve failed or that something is wrong with you. There are many others out there who could use connection as well. Whether in your local community, support groups, or even social media for virtual connections, seek out others who would simply like to connect, go to a movie, meet for pizza, or just share stories over a Zoom call. Important note: I am NOT referring to dating sites for connection…that’s for another story!
9.Extend a Helping Hand
This goes hand in hand with seeking connection. Volunteering can be a powerful way to give and uplift your own spirits. Whether you’re organizing a food drive, helping at a local shelter, or delivering groceries or dinner to a homebound neighborhood, connecting with others through service lets you focus on something besides your situation. If you have kids at home, invite them to participate, allowing them to receive the powerful gift of giving as well. Some kids love this, and some don’t, but most will remember this as something “theygot to do” during the holiday season and it will stick with them forever.
10.Practice self-care
Giving, giving, giving—there is no shortage of the people we give to, especially during the holidays. This is also a time when you need to put yourself at the top of the list. Why? You’ve been through a lot and unless you want to manifest an ulcer or some other malady, you’ll want to take care of yourself. This means different things to different people, so think about what self-care means to you and start today. I suggest trying to keep your diet as healthy as possible (of course, allow for a few holiday indulgences—champagne and chocolate come to mind for me), exercise regularly to relieve stress and anxiety, get outside even if it’s cold out there—fresh air can work wonders on stress levels—and rest as much as possible.
Meditation, prayer, and journaling are also good ways to alleviate stress and make yourself feel better. A massage or my personal favorite, a spa treatment can be a wonderful gift to give yourself. If you’re wondering “how can I possibly fit any self-care into my very busy schedule,”consider making self-care a priority. Other peoples’ needs can wait. Remember you can only give what you have and if you’re feeling run down, depleted, and empty, that’s all you can give to others. Take care of yourself!
When I found myself sinking into holiday sadness, I would read this quote by Winnie-the-Pooh “You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” And tell myself “I’ve got this!”
You’ve got this too! Acknowledge your loss and your newfound freedom, practice gratitude, and look toward the future, and you’ll make it through the holiday season ready to put it all behind you to ring in the new year!
Enjoy the season!
Love and Light,
Michèle Heffron is a seasoned Certified Life, Relationship, and Divorce Coach, specializing in clients aged 50 and above. With decades of leadership experience in corporate and nonprofit sectors, she’s been a driving force in domestic violence prevention, youth empowerment, and healthy relationships education.Michèle earned her coaching certification from the esteemed Institute of Excellence in Coaching. Having weathered two divorces, single motherhood, and a remarkable reinvention of her life post-divorce, she’s deeply committed to helping others navigate significant life transitions with dignity, self-respect, and love.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Anais Nin
Remember when you were a kid at the end of summer and your mother would take you and your siblings to buy new school shoes? If you were anything like me, I spent most of my summer months either in sandals on the beach or barefoot building up the calluses on the bottoms of my feet to the point I could tolerate running on the hot gravel road that flanked whichever family farm I’d been spending the summer on.
For the weeks during summer, my little dancer’s feet took a hiatus from ballet slippers and those stiff saddle shoes which were standard issue in my house up until I rebelled against them in the 7th grade. And the last thing I wanted to do at the end of summer was to force my feet into a pair of shoes that felt constrictive and confining.
The Shoe salesman (most of them were men in the 60s and early 70s) would measure our feet and dutifully suggest that we “size-up for growing room”. Then, just a few months into our “shoes with growing room” our toes were gasping for air as we were forced to wear them for just a little longer. It was agonizingly painful, especially when one of the cooler girls at school was sporting around in a new pair of suede wedgies or wavy Famolares every other month (you had to be there to understand).
Our growing feet as kids that want nothing more than to kick off our tightly outgrown shoes to run free fully expressing our joy is not terribly unlike the beautiful person living inside each and every one of us. But rather than busting out of the box we, and others, have packed ourselves away in, we choose to stay all bound up, depriving the world, and ourselves, of the geniuses we are and the gifts we each are meant to give this big, limitless world.
We tell ourselves, “Someday. Someday I’ll take that trip. Someday I’ll get in shape. Someday I’ll get out of this unfulfilling relationship. Someday I’ll quit this miserable job and start my own dream business. Someday I’ll invest in myself and take a chance on me. Someday.
Well guess what, every day that you let go by, is gone. A bud that doesn’t bloom ends up withering on the vine and someday turns out to be “where did the time go?” or “it’s too late for me now”. We fill our lives with excuses of why we don’t live the life we dreamt about as a kid.
What are you waiting for? If you are on the verge of blooming, don’t let the fear of the unknown trick you into “playing it safe”.
If your heart is sending you a message, listen and do something about it! You don’t need to know how it will all unfold; you just need to take the first step. Schedule a discovery call with me today to learn more about what’s possible for you.
How many times a day do we respond with “I’m fine” when asked how we’re doing? Has life become so incredibly drab that “fine” is the only response we can come up with?
I love this line from the film The Italian Job starring Charlize Theron and Mark Walberg.
And if you think about it, it’s most likely true every time spoken by a woman who’s trying to look as calm and sleek as a duck on top of the water while her little webbed feet are paddling on overdrive just beneath the surface.
I don’t know about you, but in my opinion, there is nothing Fabulous about FINE.
Let’s take a stand against being, doing and having FINE in our lives and let’s strive for Fabulous!
This is you one and only life here on this spinning globe of possibilities and you deserve Fabulousrelationships, Fabulous careers, Fabulous finances. Fabulous Freedom!
Whatever Fabulous means to you, I guarantee you are meant for it.
It is said, the teacher will appear when the student is ready.
Apparently, teachers can come in many forms, and I certainly was not expecting the arrival of my teacher that gray, chilly October morning when I received a rather unpleasant phone call from a friend who I held in very high esteem.
Upon saying “hello” I was met with a barrage of criticisms and what I felt were undeserved and unwarranted accusations about an event that had taken place earlier in the week. I could feel the angry energy coming through the phone which stunned me. For nearly 10 minutes, I said nothing, just listened as she unleashed what seemed like every transgression she had experienced in her life and directed them all at me. When she finished her storm of rage, I attempted with as much humble dignity and grace as I could summon to empathize and apologize for the damage “I” single-handedly had caused.
After finishing the call, I felt so humiliated that I curled up on the floor and sobbed. I could barely function for the rest of the day. This was not a proud moment for me. In fact, this incident brought on so much guilt, embarrassment, and shame that I could not even share the confusion and pain I was feeling with those closest to me or my own coach until months later. By that time, I had done quite a lot of my own self-reflection, growth, and healing, which gave me a different perspective on the situation. I began to understand how this woman might be feeling so I could empathize with her emotions, and see the hidden reason of why is was important for me to have this experience.
You see, it was a particularly stressful time in my life with the pressures of a job responsibilities, health issues (something I had never dealt with), and the pressure of overseeing a staff and the care of my mother who, at the time, had only a few months to live. To say I thought I could “do it all” is an understatement. I was worn out and had no self-awareness of my level of stress and anxiety.
It never once occurred to me to give myself permission to step out of the race for a bit so I could take care of the only me there is. Nope, I opted for being the Martyr on the verge of a mental and physical breakdown. It was absolutely ridiculous! I look back now and wonder, “who was I trying to be?” It was totally the opposite of who I desired or was meant to be.
Little did I understand at the time, it was exactly the motivation I needed to make a better decision about my life. I told myself “This is complete and utter nonsense! I have had enough! I am meant for so much more in this life.” Quite frankly, every single one of us deserves so much more than we believe and allow.
This was also the moment when the Universe heard me, loud and clear, and began setting things into motion that, months later, allowed me to step out of my corporate role to become a full-time life coach and mentor. This awareness also gave me the beautiful opportunity to care for my mom who was in the last several weeks of her life. Two gifts I will always cherish and will be grateful for.
Just when you think life is happening to you, you learn that life is really happening for you. This can only come into our awareness by being willing to open our minds and to consider other possibilities.
Though it was a tough lesson for me at the time, I am and will forever be grateful for how things unfolded. Today, I help others shift their perspectives and grow into who they are meant to be, which brings me so much joy and gratitude for pretty much everything I’ve experienced in life.
I share this story with you all in the hopes you will look at your life through a new lens to see there are limitless possibilities in the world for you and that person who may be bringing you the most grief right now, may indeed, be the teacher you need to help you see things differently.
Remember to give yourself and others grace before jumping into victimhood or blame over anything. We never know what’s going on in the life of someone else and when we open our hearts and eyes to the fact that it isn’t just about us, choosing to see each other as the gifts we are, we create a world of love, peace, and joy.
Who are the “teachers” in your life and what are they trying to tell you? Need help finding out? Schedule your free consultation with me today and together we can explore what’s possible for you.
The practice of meditation has been around since the dawn of time, which is kind of ironic since many forms of meditation move us beyond space and time—the quantum field where, as I understand it, time is merely an illusion. That’s kind of way out there so I’ll back up a bit for those who aren’t familiar with or who have never delved into the beautiful art of meditation.
Without going down the rabbit hole of where it all began for me, I was challenged by one of my early mentors to start my own practice of meditation. So, I did a little research to get a better understanding of what exactly I was supposed “to do” during my meditation time. The answer I received was that I needed to “do nothing.” Ok, well that didn’t sound very practical, but I went along with it for a while and before long, I learned how to sit still and listen. I started to see my life in a different way and slowly began to feel more in alignment with myself.
I wasn’t always consistent with my practice, but I learned that if I skipped my meditation for more than a couple of days, I would slip back into old habits and didn’t feel as optimistic as I did when I made meditation a priority.
Then I was introduced to the work of Dr. Joe Dispenza and have learned a great deal more about the power of meditation and how the brain is affected by practicing daily meditation. What’s even more interesting is that the heart wants in on the action and through specific types of meditation, the brain and heart get together and can actually create massive change in the lives of people individually and collectively. This is a very simplistic way of sharing the background of my practice, but I truly believe in its power and encourage you all to include meditation in your daily life, if you’re already not doing it.
Earlier in September, I had the opportunity to join over 140,000 people from 174 countries for the first Walk for the World event, a global effort to heal the world. By bringing people together in peace, love, kindness, and compassion, the hope is to eliminate fear, anger, judgment, hatred, and all the chaos happening in the world.
Earlier in the year I wrote about my life-long dream of making an impact in the world and by connecting with Dr. Joe and the others of this committed Walk for the World community, I am still filled with hope that by joining together, we can change the world. See A World Filled with Peace.
