Healthy boundaries? Not today, thank you. I’ll surely tip over the apple cart and possibly hurt someone’s feelings if I set and uphold a boundary. Oh dear!
If you’re anything like me, you might have the tendency to say “yes” when you really want to say “no”, or prioritize other people’s needs or wishes over your own or feel like you “should” be doing more in all areas of your life. Are you ever enough?
I certainly slogged around in that mud fest for decades and spent years whirling around in a vortex of complete chaos while trying to live up to ridiculous standards and expectations based on my own old limiting beliefs and old worn-out conditioning. The word “boundary” was not even part of my vocabulary in my former life.
Apparently, I was among the millions of people suffering from what renown psychotherapist, author and global expert in female empowerment, Terri Cole, calls a lack of healthy boundaries.
And I know I’m not alone. Every client, in fact, pretty much most people are still operating in at least some area of their life, clinging to old thought patterns which in turn prevent them from living up to who they truly are meant to be and robbing themselves of joy, a sense of freedom, and a happy life.
We tiptoe around difficult relationships to avoid discomfort, meaning we don’t want the other person to feel discomfort. That way we don’t have to feel like the villain, but we think it’s ok to be walked over like a doormat. We manipulate situations by withholding information or peppering communication with little untruths to soften the perceived “blow” because we fear the truth would start an unwinnable war. And we avoid uncomfortable conversations and pretend everything is just FINE (and you know I’ve talked about that one in a past story). Somehow, we’ve come to believe that being a “peacemaker” is some badge of honor rather than what it is: a confining cage of shame.
Why do we do this? Most of us learned early on, around the ages of 3 – 6, how the dynamics of our household worked. “If I’m a good little girl, people won’t yell at me.” “If I become a people pleaser, I get more of what I think I want.” “If I protect myself, I won’t get hurt.” Most likely your personal space was invaded by the thinking and actions of others and generally, we learned very little about what it meant to set healthy personal internal and external boundaries. Think about it, how can you ever know what no one ever taught you?
The fact is, that most of us still operate as that small child even into our adult lives. Crazy, I know.
What I’ve learned is that it is impossible to live a deeply satisfying life without establishing, communicating, and maintaining healthy and flexible boundaries. I don’t know about you, but I choose joy over this way of being and now know it’s completely possible to change.
Personally, I needed help with the process, and it all began by gaining clarity and understanding about where the old beliefs, unspoken agreements, and people-pleasing tendencies originated. I called it cleaning out the attic by unpacking all that stuff that’s been crammed up there along with the dust, cobwebs, and scary unknowns of our minds. Truthfully, I’m still sorting through some of it (it’s a big attic!).
Michèle Heffron is a certified life, relationship & divorce coach whose mission is to empower women through life transitions to discover their purpose and create the life they desire. Her work stems from her life experiences and the lessons learned while paving her own path to empowerment. Michèle lives in Bellevue, Washington and serves clients in all 50 states.
Sadly, I said goodbye to my sweet Izzy last week after a relatively rapid decline in her health. She was a beautiful 15 ½ year-old golden doodle with a penchant for bouncing and spinning (I think she may have been part Tigger). Her sweet face, complete with big brown eyes and lashes that rivaled little Cindy Lou Who’s, brought a smile to the face of nearly everyone she met.
Izzy bounded into our lives on a snowy Christmas morning in 2008, a gift from Santa to my 10 year-old son. It was either a puppy or a cell phone and somehow a puppy seemed like the better decision at the time (of course, just a few months later a cell phone arrived).
Everyone loved Izzy, except my other dog, Rosie, a rescue whose territorial alpha female personality, made bringing this bouncy little fluff ball into our family more challenging than I’d anticipated.
Rosie was furious at us, especially me, for daring to allow another dog into her space and would do almost anything to ensure she kept between me and the puppy. In her own special way, with the hair raised on the back of her neck and what we used to refer to as “Rosie’s smile”, she would snarl and growl at our sweet new addition. Izzy was completely oblivious to Rosie’s ill-mannered behavior constantly making attempts to play with her. Not having any of this, and just to prove her dominance, Rosie would snap and give the puppy a good whack across the nose, making it quite clear she was in charge and if there was any playing to be done, she would be the one to initiate.
In 2010, our family took on a new dynamic when my husband and I divorced. New house, new routine, new life, everything new. My daughter had pretty much left home and eventually my son went off to college leaving Izzy and me rambling around the house together trying to navigate our new life. She had truly become my constant companion by then and accompanied me pretty much everywhere I went.
Izzy developed the art of adaptability, happily spending time with friends and family when I traveled and became quite fond of her many surrogate parents. Auntie Delani gave so much love, attention, and extra treats that often when I’d come to pick her up, Izzy refused to get in the car with me. Izzy was a frequent visitor at the home of my cousin Tina, and when I moved into my mom’s assisted living apartment to care for her during her last few weeks, Izzy was right there with me making friends with the staff and other residents.
Izzy was not fond of water. When other dogs were joyfully splashing around her, she would look interested in the frivolity for a moment then turn to see who on the beach might have food to share. My friend Sheila, another surrogate mom, was the only person to get Izzy to swim after having her dog, Ramzey, lead the way. Even then, it only happened once. Izzy had no interest in retrieving anything and balls were only something to steal from other dogs at the park. Apparently, the poodle personality overrode the retriever genes.
Izzy’s unconditional love taught me a lot about myself, and over the years I became a much more patient and kinder person. Pets have a way of doing that when we allow them to be who they are, and we allow ourselves to become more aware of who we are. I will miss her.
Michèle Heffron is a certified life, relationship & divorce coach whose mission is to empower women through life transitions to discover their purpose and create the life they desire. Her work stems from her life experiences and the lessons learned while paving her own path to empowerment. Michèle lives in Bellevue, Washington and serves clients in all 50 states.
When I was little, my entire family called me Shelley. I was Shelley to my parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbor kids, and more. And for me, last names were only used for differentiating which set of grandparents were being referred to—i.e. Grandma Heffron or Grandma Gamache. I don’t think I made the connection that Heffron was somehow attached to my name until the first day of First Grade at St. Paul’s School in Yakima.
In a classroom filled with a bunch of kids I didn’t know, all dressed in their school uniforms, Sister Mary Margaret was taking attendance. As she made her way through to the alphabet, the name Michèle Heffron was called. It didn’t ring a bell, so I didn’t respond. Again, she called Michèle Heffron, and again, I didn’t respond. So, the know-it-all boy in front of me turned around noting the name tag taped on the desk, and pointing at me, asked “isn’t that you?” (busybody, alphabet-knowing, over-achiever!)
For the first time, at the ripe old age of 6, I learned my real name! What else didn’t I know? First grade was sure to bring on new insights! That evening during dinner, my dad asked about my first day of school, and with all the courage I could muster up, said “it would have been nice if someone had told me my name was Michèle Heffron.”
What I had learned up until then was that my name was Shelley. I had no reason to believe otherwise. It’s a silly story, but in truth, it illustrates how our own beliefs and perceptions in life are formed.
If we’ve learned or been conditioned to believe something is true, then it’s true for us…it doesn’t make it a fact,it just means it’s true for us. For example, if you’re told things like girls aren’t good at math, or boys shouldn’t cry, or children should be seen and not heard, or your race or culture is superior/inferior to others, or nothing ever good happens, or marriage is hard, or you must work 10 hours a day to make any decent money, or you’re a bully/nice girl/screw-up, etc. you begin to believe and to behave that way.
And why do we do this? So many reasons really, but mostly because that’s what we’ve learned, and we choose to believe it.
Sadly, most of our beliefs and perceptions, in fact upwards of 95% of them, become rooted in our subconscious minds and are pretty much running the show for us and we don’t even know it! Thus, when you’re trying to make some changes in your life, like losing a few pounds, eliminating unwanted or unhealthy habits, or experiencing a major life or career transition, you might get off to a good start only to find yourself falling back into your old ways just a few days or weeks (or hours) into the process. Typically, this has to do with your subconscious mind getting a hold of you saying things like “you’re too weak/stupid/lazy, etc. and will never change so you may as well give up now. Some people will try to convince you of having a lack of willpower, but really there’s a bit more to it.
To your credit, change is uncomfortable. That’s why people in the personal growth industry say things like “you have to get out of your comfort zone and become someone else in order to change”. Easier said than done!
What you often don’t hear is that you must make a non-negotiable decision about becoming who you want to be and then behave as if your goal is already fulfilled—i.e. envisioning yourself already weighing 20 pounds less for example. And this requires daily application until it becomes engrained in your subconscious mind. It also requires believing in yourself and being willing to try some new things—like meditation, serious self-reflection, and getting help from someone like a coach.
Honestly, I could go on and on about this because over the years, I’ve become obsessed with creating change in my own life and now help others who are ready to do the same in theirs. I’ve also learned through the process of evolving and expanding that it’s a process and as much as I’d like to think I’ve got it all down, I’m constantly finding opportunities for growth.
If you are ready to start becoming the person you desire to be and don’t know where to start, schedule a free consultation with me to learn more about how the support of a coach can help you get from where you are to where you want to be. Send me an email or simply schedule time here to get started on your new life.
Michèle Heffron is a certified life, relationship & divorce coach whose mission is to empower women through life transitions to discover their purpose and create the life they desire. Her work stems from her life experiences and the lessons learned while paving her own path to empowerment. Michèle lives in Bellevue, Washington and serves clients in all 50 states.
One fear that stands out for me is spiders. Yes, spiders.
I understand it’s not rational that a tiny little creature doesn’t really stand a chance against a grown up human person. But apparently, somewhere in my past, I learned spiders were scary and therefore I decided to be afraid of the little 8-legged, multi-eyed creepy critters.
My best guess is that this irrational fear was unintentionally passed on to me by my mother, who would go to great lengths to declare our house as a spider-free zone. One would think, having grown up living and working on a farm with crops, animals, and limited niceties, might have been a little braver in her approach to spiders. But not so much. Instead, she made sure the task of spider-annihilation was aptly assigned to my dad or some unsuspecting neighbor kid.
At a very young age, I learned spiders were dangerous, scary, and needed to be avoided at all costs. Then to reinforce this learned behavior, while in the 1st grade at St. Paul’s School in Yakima, a rumor surfaced that one the older kids had released an entire jar full of Black Widow spiders on the school ground; and, if bitten, a kid could count on sudden death right there on the playground. My schoolmates and I were terrified of recess for a week!
Now, don’t even get me started on how ridiculous this rumor was. First, how in the world did that kid get a hold of one Black Widow spider let alone an entire jar full of them? Really?
And secondly, everyone knows that Black Widow spiders are typically active at night, and that they avoid open spaces like concrete playgrounds filled with screaming kids at all costs.
Did this rationale convince me? No, no.
Then along came movies like the Giant Spider Invasion (1975); the attacking spiders in Jumanji (1995); the enormous spiders in Stephen King’s The Mist (2007); the toxic spiders starring in 8-Legged Freaks (2002); and the granddaddy of them all, Aragog in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002).
Case closed. Spiders are scary. I was convinced.
And as a good mother, what did I do? I passed this irrational fear right on to my kids, of course. So much so that they now have developed the same irrational fear of spiders.
When one of the big hairy brown Wolf Spiders that used to waltz into our house, stop in the kitchen for a bag of chips and knock over the dog dish before settling itself in the middle of the family room, I was known to have sprayed a half-can of RAID on the intruder to ensure it was completely coated in white foam (no hiding that way), then sucking him up with the vacuum and letting it run for the next 45 minutes while standing on the couch with the kids and the dog, leaving no question of the spider’s demise. Even into his high school years, my son and I would argue about whose turn it was to rid our dwelling of an uninvited arachnid who had made the dyer mistake of venturing into enemy territory.
And while this example may sound silly, it illustrates what happens in our little minds at the very youngest age that we senselessly carry into adulthood. The beliefs and perceptions we’ve picked up along the way are engrained into our subconscious minds that often lead to the way we behave in our adult lives. Many of these behaviors aren’t aligned with who we really are and what we truly desire, and yet they keep showing up, holding us back from creating healthy relationships, careers we love, and lifestyles that bring us joy.
These false beliefs from our past can trigger us to do or say stupid things, binge eat, overspend, stay in bad relationships, and keep us from achieving our goals. And we don’t even know these thoughts are rambling around in our heads messing around with our lives.
It’s only by investigating these uninvestigated thoughts and beliefs, deciding we desire something different, and are willing to take responsibility for our own happiness, do we begin to see how detaching from our past can catapult us into the present, and ultimately setting us free to create a new story for our future.
Michèle Heffron is a certified life, relationship & divorce coach whose mission is to empower women through life transitions to discover their purpose and create the life they desire. Her work stems from her life experiences and the lessons learned while paving her own path to empowerment. Michèle lives in Bellevue, Washington and serves clients in all 50 states.
A few nights ago, I was drawn into a documentary that chronicled the making of Jennifer Lopez’s recent film project spanning 20 years, 4 marriages, and reuniting with and marrying Ben Affleck, the long-time love of her life. She wrote an entire album revealing a very vulnerable heart and the emotional turbulence she felt in the years since their first engagement was abruptly canceled 3 days before their wedding day. I don’t follow a lot of celebrity gossip and barely recall her broken engagement to Ben years earlier but apparently if you’re a J-Lo fan, it was a thing.
The point of this story has nothing to do with her marriages, though I must admit, she’s a true testament of how resilience gives us a perspective for taking our experiences and using them as lessons learned to bounce forward to a better life.
The real point is that J-Lo was inspired to write her story, share it in film with the world, and through the process share her deepest and darkest moments as a human being trying to figure out life.
Oh, and did I mention the movie was going to cost A LOT of money? $30 million! And when not a single major studio would agree to fund the project and this concept, J-Lo remained undaunted in her determination to make this film happen. She stood up and said what any woman hell-bent on making her dream come to fruition would say “fine, I’ll pay for it myself”.
And when everyone around her said “No! You can’t use your own money to fund a project of this magnitude!”
At that moment, you could see her heart speaking and she said out loud “Bet on yourself, Jen”. I paused the movie and jotted that that important line in my journal.
Bet on yourself!
J-Lo risked everything by going against every other voice saying she was committing business suicide, she held her ground, believed in herself, and production was underway a few short weeks later.
This message rings so true for me and for so many people even in seemingly insignificant decisions we make every day. And when everyone around you is saying things like “are you crazy, what are you thinking?” or “who are you to go back to school at your age?” or “you can’t leave him, what will you do to support yourself?” or, my personal favorite “what do you know about running a business, making money, leaving your stable job…shouldn’t you be thinking of retirement?”
I ended up watching the remainder of the show and went on to watch the finished product. As a woman who has learned to listen to my heart, I can only say J-Lo’s brilliance shined through and her message was heard loud and clear. By betting on herself, she also learned to love herself—every part. From my own personal experience, I understand loving oneself—every part—is not always easy, especially when it includes the dark parts too.
When we let all the other voices go—past and present—and believe in ourselves and our dreams enough to do something about them, when we bet on ourselves and become titanium in our resolve to listen to our hearts, we can do wonderous things.
Don’t let other people stop you with their own fears and stories of what’s right for you. And if the overwhelm of all the other voices keeps you from following your heart, get help and get clear on your dreams and desires before you forget who you are and what you’re meant for.
Michèle Heffron is a certified life, relationship & divorce coach whose mission is to empower women through life transitions to discover their purpose and create the life they desire. Her work stems from her life experiences and the lessons learned while paving her own path to empowerment. Michèle lives in Bellevue, Washington and serves clients in all 50 states.
