I don’t know about you, but when I was growing up, I often found myself being told “you need an Attitude Adjustment, young lady.” Really? And just how was I supposed to do that? Like hearing those words would somehow magically give me the wisdom required to even know what an attitude adjustment even meant, let alone, know how to apply that parental wisdom to cleaning up my act! I always wanted to be snarky and say “well, maybe YOU need an Attitude Adjustment too—how do you think I got this way in the first place?!” It actually makes me laugh out loud just writing those words.
While all of us could use an Attitude Adjustment from time to time, most of us tend to justify our grumpiness, foul moods, and criticalness by pointing to reasons outside of ourselves. You know, blaming the actions or behaviors of others, the economy, politics, your neighbor’s dog, or whatever excuse you can come up with to make it not your fault you feel or act this way. It’s simply easier and feels more comfortable than taking personal responsibility for what happens in our lives.
I totally get it. I’ve spent years honing the skill of deflecting responsibility and I thought I was pretty good at it—that is, until I couldn’t stand myself anymore and decided to change my life by upleveling who I was being. And each time, because yes, I still uncover places where could be doing better (a lot of places BTW), I marvel at the fact that I hadn’t seen it before. It happens gradually, similarly to how we change our attitudes.
We know in our hearts when we’re not living up to who we’d truly like to be; and we also know when we’re not showing up at our best (because we can’t really fool ourselves—the heart always knows). It’s like having the little angle-you and the little devil-you sit on each shoulder while you’re trying to decide which action to take—it’s your choice. Always has been and always will be.
How do you find your way back to a better place?
If you’re feeling blue or really crummy about something and find your attitude plummeting in a downward spiral, it’s nearly impossible to pull yourself back up to the airiness of bliss on command (if you were ever there in the first place). I don’t recommend attempting this as a viable solution. This is how we get into a cycle of mood swings and being critical of ourselves and others.
What I do suggest is taking baby steps by doing one small thing at a time that makes you feel incrementally better. For example, when you recognize that you’re feeling awful about something, pause, take a deep breath, and do something more enjoyable in that moment—make a cup of coffee or tea, think about something or someone who makes you smile, or watch a funny cat video or reel to lighten up your mood. As your mood begins to lighten, take another step by finding things around you for which you have appreciation and gratitude. Focus on feeling better, then take another step…etc.
This takes practice, like building a muscle, especially if this is not your modus operandi. I guarantee anyone can improve if they want to. Personally, I found my personal coaches, workshops, and development books extremely helpful (and still do) as I began my transformation.
As we approach Thanksgiving and before the holiday hustle and bustle takes over, I want to express my heartfelt thanks for being a part of my online community.
To some people, launching into my encore career at this time in life seemed a bit risky and maybe a little crazy. But for me, becoming a coach to help others navigate through challenging life situations, was a calling I neglected to listen to for so many years. Connecting with you all through my writing has been an unexpected and joyful bonus allowing me to creatively express myself through words.
Many of you have responded to my stories with kindness and compassion and even shared your personal experiences exposing your own vulnerabilities. Your support has been a constant source of inspiration and encouragement, and I’m deeply appreciative of the time you’ve invested in reading my emails, sharing your thoughts, and engaging in meaningful conversations.
I’m thankful for the moments we’ve shared, the insights you’ve provided, and the relationships we’ve forged. Our interactions have been a source of growth and learning for me, and I hope they’ve been equally rewarding for you.
This Thanksgiving, my heart is full because of you. Your loyalty and engagement have made this journey a truly special one. I look forward to many more meaningful exchanges and connections in the future.
Wishing you a Thanksgiving filled with warmth, gratitude, and the joy of shared moments.
Today is November 1st marking the official start of the 2023 holiday season. Thanksgiving is just three short weeks away and then the real rush sets in.
The holiday season can be stressful for anyone, but if you’re going through a divorce and especially if this is your first year alone, it can feel heartbreaking. I totally get it. I’ll never forget the emptiness I felt so many years ago sitting alone on Christmas Eve without my kids. It hurt. And while I had family and friends who reached out to comfort me, I still felt alone and afraid of never finding love again.
We often look back at the holidays through a sentimental lens, but often the holiday memories are filled with conflict and tension – so much to do with the shopping, the over-spending, the preparing, the wrapping, trying to please and to accommodate, as well as the inevitable disagreements and squabbles.
The truth is there’s a reason why divorce rates tend to spike in January and February. The holiday season often magnifies the differences that drove us apart in the first place. Spending extended time together can accentuate tensions and anxieties, often overshadowing the joy of the season.
But here’s the silver lining: surviving the holidays during or after divorce is possible, and it can be more than just surviving; it can be thriving. You have the power to embrace a positive outlook, change your mindset, and develop effective coping strategies.
Here are ten tips for making the most of the holiday season during and after divorce:
1. Adjust Your Expectations
The first year can be especially hard, but remember, change is part of life, and with divorce comes change, including changes in how you experience the holidays. While the season may feel different, remember that “different” doesn’t have to mean “horrible.” Embrace your creative side and celebrate the holidays in a way that feels right for you. Once I came to terms with the fact that things had changed, I began to see this opportunity as a blank canvas and started to dream about the brilliant newness that came with it.
2. View the Holidays Through Fresh Eyes
Remember, there’s a reason for your divorce. The holidays may have revealed conflicts and irreconcilable differences, and sometimes, substances like alcohol exacerbated tensions and moods during this time. Recognize that the holidays were stressful for various reasons, including extended family dynamics, traveling to visit in-laws, reoccurring disappointments, disagreements, and arguments about one another’s holiday traditions. A fresh perspective can help you find peace and understanding.
3.Plan Ahead
Don’t leave your holiday plans to the last minute. Create an action plan that gives you something to look forward to. This is also where surrounding yourself with awesome people helps tremendously. If you don’t know any awesome people, become one yourself and attract awesome people into your life—easier said than done, I know, but this is so important if you’re going to embrace your new life. It’s also important to plan ahead if you are co-parenting and the kids will be splitting time between households—this can be one of the hardest experiences, especially in the beginning. Give yourself and others grace even when you don’t feel like it’s deserved.
4.Don’t dwell on the Past.
It’s easy to get lost in nostalgia, reminiscing about the holiday memories and songs from years gone by. While it’s essential to acknowledge your losses, be mindful not to wallow in self-pity. Self-compassion is crucial, but self-pity can rob you of your happiness. Avoid watching sentimental movies and reading books that spur memories of happier times, sending you into a tailspin of sorrow and regret. Remember, it’s other peoples’ holiday season too, no need to bring everyone down.
5.Prioritize Your Children’s Well-being
If you have kids and your relationship with your ex is strained, commit to maintaining a cordial atmosphere for your children’s sake. Agree to a ceasefire and stick to your co-parenting schedule to avoid disputes about holiday custody. Remember that your children will feel the effects of any anger or resentment you hold, so strive to create a harmonious holiday environment for their benefit. If your circumstances result in late drop-offs/pick-ups, etc. communicate with your ex in advance so there are no surprises…and be kind in your communication! It’s the kids’ holiday too so don’t make it about you!
6.Create New Traditions
Sentiment and tradition are holiday staples, but you may not be able to follow your pre-divorce rituals. Embrace this as an opportunity to create new traditions. There are no rules dictating how you must celebrate, so feel free to explore new activities or experiences with or without your kids. This can also feel very liberating if your pre-divorce holiday traditions required hours in the kitchen or tedious decorating follies that added more stress to the season. Let go of the need for perfection. Creating new holiday traditions turned out to be one of the most memorable parts of the holidays for me and my kids. Over 13 years later, we still incorporate many of them into our holiday traditions.
7.Cultivate Gratitude
I often get an eyeroll at this one but it’s true, when you express gratitude and appreciation (with no strings attached), you begin to experience more positivity and receive unexpected gifts from seemingly out of nowhere. Having gratitude for what you still have and for what you will have can lift your spirits and help you make the most of each day. Remember, “this too shall pass”, and you never know, this experience you’re in today may turn out to be a pivotal time in your life seeding a better future for you. Be grateful.
8.Seek Connection
It may not seem like it but you’re not alone in your journey through divorce; many others are going through similar experiences. Divorce is common and doesn’t mean you’ve failed or that something is wrong with you. There are many others out there who could use connection as well. Whether in your local community, support groups, or even social media for virtual connections, seek out others who would simply like to connect, go to a movie, meet for pizza, or just share stories over a Zoom call. Important note: I am NOT referring to dating sites for connection…that’s for another story!
9.Extend a Helping Hand
This goes hand in hand with seeking connection. Volunteering can be a powerful way to give and uplift your own spirits. Whether you’re organizing a food drive, helping at a local shelter, or delivering groceries or dinner to a homebound neighborhood, connecting with others through service lets you focus on something besides your situation. If you have kids at home, invite them to participate, allowing them to receive the powerful gift of giving as well. Some kids love this, and some don’t, but most will remember this as something “theygot to do” during the holiday season and it will stick with them forever.
10.Practice self-care
Giving, giving, giving—there is no shortage of the people we give to, especially during the holidays. This is also a time when you need to put yourself at the top of the list. Why? You’ve been through a lot and unless you want to manifest an ulcer or some other malady, you’ll want to take care of yourself. This means different things to different people, so think about what self-care means to you and start today. I suggest trying to keep your diet as healthy as possible (of course, allow for a few holiday indulgences—champagne and chocolate come to mind for me), exercise regularly to relieve stress and anxiety, get outside even if it’s cold out there—fresh air can work wonders on stress levels—and rest as much as possible.
Meditation, prayer, and journaling are also good ways to alleviate stress and make yourself feel better. A massage or my personal favorite, a spa treatment can be a wonderful gift to give yourself. If you’re wondering “how can I possibly fit any self-care into my very busy schedule,”consider making self-care a priority. Other peoples’ needs can wait. Remember you can only give what you have and if you’re feeling run down, depleted, and empty, that’s all you can give to others. Take care of yourself!
When I found myself sinking into holiday sadness, I would read this quote by Winnie-the-Pooh “You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” And tell myself “I’ve got this!”
You’ve got this too! Acknowledge your loss and your newfound freedom, practice gratitude, and look toward the future, and you’ll make it through the holiday season ready to put it all behind you to ring in the new year!
Enjoy the season!
Love and Light,
Michèle Heffron is a seasoned Certified Life, Relationship, and Divorce Coach, specializing in clients aged 50 and above. With decades of leadership experience in corporate and nonprofit sectors, she’s been a driving force in domestic violence prevention, youth empowerment, and healthy relationships education.Michèle earned her coaching certification from the esteemed Institute of Excellence in Coaching. Having weathered two divorces, single motherhood, and a remarkable reinvention of her life post-divorce, she’s deeply committed to helping others navigate significant life transitions with dignity, self-respect, and love.
What do you think of when you hear someone say, “you sound like a broken record?”
A couple things come to mind for me: 1. The scratch in my Yellow Brick Road album that completely wrecked the song, Harmony; and 2. People who tell the same old story about their pathetic life over and over and over.
Recently, I was in a conversation with a friend where the broken record syndrome came into play, and I thought I’d write about it because many of us live with this form of self-sabotage and victimization in some way or another. By sharing I hope to inspire thoughtful reflection for how you show up in the world for yourself and others.
This person is very successful in some areas of life and in others, not so much. For instance, her business sense is remarkable, and she has a golden touch when it comes to investing and accumulating wealth. On the other hand, she struggles with her personal relationships and falls short in the areas of building and retaining loving relationships with her family and in certain social circles. She seems completely unaware of the advice she bestows on others, seldom follows that advice in her own life.
Isn’t it interesting how we see things in others,and fail to see the same things in ourselves?
She was going through her same old litany of complaints about how she receives no love and affection from her partner and that her kids disrespect and treat her unkindly. She “gives, gives, gives and feels completely unappreciated.” In another time, I would have jumped right on the bandwagon giving her all the co-dependent and heartfelt sympathy I could muster up. But this time, I chose to stay silent. I wondered, “why were we back at that old story again when we’ve rehashed it now for years?”
I’m not perfect by any stretch, and I have been known live in my old story of the past sounding like a broken record myself. And yes, we all get to vent from time to time, but when we choose to do nothing about the issue we’re venting about, it becomes annoying and sucks life out of everyone around us.
It’s one of the most common ways we hurt ourselves—by believing and repeating our own troubled stories hoping for sympathy or some other form of attention from anyone who will listen.
I can certainly relate! Me, the victim, lamenting about my horrible ex, or my lack of money, or this happened because of my parents, my boss, etc. I was repeating my sorry old stories over and over, focusing on everything on the outside and wondering why nothing ever changed.
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”
~ Albert Einstein
When I decided to take a hard look in the mirror and fess up to the fact that all the emotions of lack, unworthiness, and shame were my own doing, I got busy and started seeking out as much help as I could. I read books, attended workshops, and eventually hired a coach to help me see where I was sabotaging my own life. It changed everything for me. I learned just how powerful having someone in my corner can be and I took inspired action to change.
I finally understood that my perception of how I was being treated by other people or my circumstances, in reality, was how I had been treating myself.
Ouch, that hurts!
Understanding that we don’t have control over what other people say and do is a major step in changing the way we choose to show up for ourselves and others. If you want people to treat you differently, treat yourself differently. How can we expect love and affection from others when we don’t give ourselves love and affection?
A skilled coach can help repair the Broken Record Syndrome. If you or someone you know could use some help rewriting their story, schedule a complimentary discovery call with me today.
Other than the fact that I love Paris, I was there to attend a retreat with my Mastermind Group, which is led by my personal coach, Gina DeVee.
We come from different parts of the US and Europe, various ages, professions, and stages in life, but we all share a passion for growth, expansion, and supporting the dreams of others.
Three of our days were spent together being trained by Gina and sharing our challenges, goals and receiving coaching on getting from where we are to where we want to be. Even with three days of coaching, we had plenty of time for exploration, dinners, and shopping!
I arrived in Paris on a Tuesday afternoon and was greeted by my concierge who whisked me through baggage claim, customs, and into my G7 taxi so quickly my head was spinning. I checked into my quaint little boutique hotel near the beautiful Jardin du Luxembourg and the Sorbonne and spent the afternoon shopping and checking out the neighborhood—I’m always on the lookout for where I might want to call home one day (or at least my part-time home).
Wednesday a few of the ladies checked out the magnificent Le Galerie Dior. This place is stunning, and one can clearly see how the French’s eye for beauty and their attention to detail has earned them the top spot in the world of art and fashion.
Later a stroll through le Petit Palais and Musée Beaux-Arts and onto Les Tuileries in the sweltering Paris summer heat. Honestly, we were all melting by the time we reached the gardens, but it was all so worth the effort.
We topped off the evening at Le Meurice, another iconic site and venture one should include on their next trip to Paris (sidenote, Pablo Picasso held his wedding there in 1918)..
Other highlights of the trip included a Maxim’s dinner cruise on the Seine, a champagne and cheese pairing with Champagne Expert, Cynthia Coutu, founder of Delectabulles (I thought I knew a thing or two about champagne but I learned so much more about the delightful art of bubbly and have a new found appreciation for the art of the French claim to the world of fine wine), and a Macaroon making class hosted by Cordon Blu trained pastry chef Molly Wilk in her Versailles apartment located steps away from the historic and stunning les Jardin de Chateau Versailles.
I’d love to say that I arranged for all the interesting and unique places and experiences we enjoyed, but that credit goes to sister Mastermind member, Wendy Harrop. Wendy owns and operates Phineas Wright House, a 238-year-old home and farm turned bed & breakfast in rural Massachusetts. Wendy also plans and leads luxury private experiences in Franch for small groups and knows a thing or two about Paris. She enthusiastically planned and booked many of the group’s extracurricular activities while in Paris.
These are just a few of the highlights of my trip. It doesn’t quite capture the magic of Paris but it’s a little glimpse into my world at this point. I have a whole new list of places I’d like to visit next time!
“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.
“I don’t much care where—” said Alice.
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.
“—so long as I get somewhere,” Alice added as an explanation.
“Oh, you’re sure to do that,” said the Cat, “if you only walk long enough.”
I’ve always loved this dialog between the Cheshire Cat and Alice from Lewis Carroll’s Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. It beautifully illustrates the significance of understanding one’s life goals as the initial step before embarking on any venture.
I would like to say that I’ve always put this sage advice into practice, but alas, I have not, which at times has left me floundering around and spinning during so many pivotal life moments. Fortunately, with the passage of time, I’ve gained valuable insights. Today, I’m better equipped to recognize how my lack of a clear vision unintentionally derailed my progress, whether in relationships, my career, or other aspects of life.
Most people who know me also know that I’ve seen success in my life as well, so I’m not completely throwing myself under the bus here. However, as a coach specializing in helping people improve their lives and gracefully navigate major life transitions, especially divorce, I’ve come to understand the importance of starting with a clear vision in mind. My fundamental question to those I work with is simple: “What do you envision your life looking like, feeling like, and being like once you’ve emerged from this phase?”
It might surprise you how many people find it challenging to provide a clear answer to that question. I completely get it because there was a time when I couldn’t articulate my desires either. However, now, this is a crucial cornerstone of every coach-client relationship I build.
By assisting people in identifying their personal values—a process in itself—they can begin to craft a vivid picture of their future life. What’s truly beautiful about this process is its adaptability. Your vision can evolve in harmony with your changing values, needs, and desires. For instance, you may initially envision living in a neighborhood where your children have playmates, and later, as they grow, you might aspire to reside in a place with more opportunities for adult connections.
Any life transition, especially divorce, brings along unforeseen challenges and obstacles. But by initiating the journey with a clear vision of your desired life, establishing goals and milestones, and constructing a roadmap complete with guideposts, you gain the capacity to navigate even the most perplexing circumstances, because they will arise.
Having a trusted partner, such as a coach, proves to be a remarkably effective means of bridging the gap between where you are now and where you aspire to be, often in significantly less time than if you were to embark on this journey solo.
